Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[Mozza]

In my sitch, when my WAW asked me why I didn't want to meet for lunch, I replied. "You've chosen to leave and now I need to take the steps to move on." I seem to recall that it got a good endorsement from the vets.

Had a rough afternoon child exchange today. When I went to get the boys my oldest started to cry uncontrollably and kept repeating "I want mommy". When he started into it my XW thought he was just being difficult and gave him a time out. He kept sobbing all through it and I tried to console him. He just kept repeating it over and over again at a loud volume while crying really hard.

(...)

Wow was I mad at her. I still am right now. I just feel like "see what you have done to our kids and our family! I hope you feel this is worth it to have our son feel this way!" I know, blaming blah blah blah. But I am really upset.

This has been bothering me since you posted it last week. I feel like you've used your kids' pain to get at your WAW. You might say that it's not your fault, but you confess that a part of you was glad to show her the pain she's causing. I know the feeling because I'm slightly upset that my kids take the S in strides as if it's a fun thing.

It is possible that neither of you had the tools to calm your S3, so let me share some life-changing advice that I read in a parenting book and (The Happiest Toddler on the Block, perhaps?) that I use in such situations.

When a child expresses a need, repeat it back to him.

Do not jump to the answer because kids do not make the same logical jump as us. If you say no, they think it means you haven't understood their need, so they repeat it. When you repeat it to them though, they know they have been understood, that you're on it. Example:

- Daddy, I'm thirsty, I want water!
- Yes, you're thirsty and you want water. You're thirsty. I'll give you water when we get home because I don't have any here.

This is as close to an Off button as you'll ever find on a child. I know it works better than anything else with my two daughters. It has become second nature for me. Repeat it several times if need be. Look them in the eyes if you can. The adult solution, which is to provide an answer, is not working especially not during a crisis. "Everything's gonna be ok" and "You will see mommy tomorrow" does not address their immediate need, nor does it given them the impression that you're trying to help them because they think you haven't understood them.

This is a communication technique that is taught in many circumstances, beyond toddlers. On these boards, it's called validation. My pharmacist friends uses it with his patients, by repeating their symptoms to them to build trust before suggesting a treatment.

I get very touchy when people give me parenting advice, and I don't mean to criticize you, but to give you tools that have been life-savers for me.