Hello all ... hope everyone had a great weekend. Have a bunch of stuff on my noggin so I need to purge it all out here ... hopefully put it in a way that does not make me out to look completely crazy.
Oh ... and Jack .. if you are reading .. I tried out your recipe ... wow ... yeah that's a keeper! Thank You!
So it was hot here all weekend. Saturday I woke up early and met W and S at the track meet. W arranged a chiro appt so she left after about an hour. We arrived together, she was a little irritated (in pain) that she had no idea where I was, coming from the other direction I parked in the back lot, her in the front. She had S carrying the icebox, poor kid .. trooper though.. I found them struggling to carry things in the parking lot and grabbed the two heavy items. I always had joked with her that she only married me because I am one helluva pack mule. I did not say anything ... just carried the stuff and we got settled. S's 1st event was on the other side of the track, I walked over to watch, W stayed as she would have to leave. She TM quite often, I sent pics, she actually complimented me on many saying she loved them. Took me back at how nice she was actually being towards me. (This them continues all weekend). W leaves, I stay and wait .. wait .. wait some more .. 4 hours for 3 events that only lasted 45 seconds ...lol. I ran into one of the baseball coaches from a few years ago, talked to him some along with some other parents ... not my thing typically .. but I am more comfortable in this role now. S and I leave, thinking about lunch. W TM that she is done and asked if I wanted to have lunch, I pick a place .. however she was headed the other direction so we decide just to meet up at the Baseball game as planned. S and I have lunch at my place, get to the game (Still mid 90's). W arrives about the 2nd inning, upset at me because I did not tell her what field ... I told her I emailed her all the information, left it at that. I went out to the stands to grab a couple waters for S and I, W went back to being nice, asking how I was handli9ng the heat, that she does not know how I do it. I just shrugged and made a joke about how I will be a lobster tomorrow. Game was over, I walked them to the car ... hugged S .. she got in and didnt say goodbye (I only noticed because she was so upset about me doing that same thing Thursday) I really kinda laughed inside about it. Went home .. cool shower and watched some movies.
Sunday I went to church, only a couple more weeks till I am all finished. I TM W on where to meet up, I walked in and she was there with S smiling at me ... was weird .. was the old smile she used to flash at me ... I kinda looked around to see if there were any cameras thinking a clown would jump out and scare me or something. So S and I left, we went to my shop and spent 3 hours building his Leprechaun trap ... I had a blast having him run the machinery, teaching him things ... he later asked if we could build something every weekend and sell it .. of course splitting the profits 50/50. W called me asking about what kind of meat shreds in the crockpot, telling me she had a tummy ache because she ate to much with S. This morning I drop off S with his project, he was so proud, showing her all the working mechanisms she looked up at me with this big smile and said "Cali .. this is really really cool... its amazing" asked me how long we spent on it. She then shared a bite of her new recipe with me, was strange, like the old nice her made an appearance. She asked how I was (I probably looked tired, I did'nt sleep well ... stange dreams had me up alot last night) I told her I was good .. just had a hard time sleeping .. she came in and gave me a hug. On the way to work she TM again about the trap, then how DQ was giving away cones ... she missed them although they always made her feel sick (we used to get them all the time) ... then she shared some things about work and more about S.
SO ... I am not sure what to think of this ... if anything. The way she is being nice seems sincere but given the past 3-4 years I am gun shy thinking there is something behind it ..lol. The PMS cycle is due, she used to always be real nice prior .. might be a bit of that... time will tell.
The dreams I had last night ... we were together, trying to work things out past our problems, I am not sure what to think of that. My spiritual side has been really growing as of late, the mediation date has been temporarily scheduled to the Monday right after Easter Sunday ... I found that extremely strange given the circumstances. I do feel He is working but as all things, I am in no place to figure out the whys whens hows ... I will just accept this is where I am to be, keep growing and focusing on what I can. The Message during church was about being blind and then being able to see, for me this entire journey has been one of newly found sight .. I can not believe how screwed my priorities were a few years ago, but I am so happy I was allowed to change, to see what is really important and to be allowed to become the man I was meant to be all along.
Hi Luke. Often when the MLCer is getting what they think they want, it sometimes causes them to have a little doubt about it.
So, who knows why she is being nice? I wouldnt read anything into it because it could change on a dime.
You just keep doing what you are doing...
uR you may be right.
This morning while dropping off S, she greets me at the door. Asked how I was ... I told her I was good, S and I had a nice night, I asked how she was ... eyes to the floor and she just shook her head. She came close for a hug and told me a number of things:
"What have I done" "I'm so sorry I hurt you" "I hate my life" "I'm so confused"
I just stfu and listened for the most part. She did ask me something concerning her hurting me, I told her I know I have hurt her too ... then she said something about never being able to go back to that marriage ... I quickly let her know that the old M, the old me, the old her were all dead. And to be honest I would never go back to that M either. She started to say something then stopped, I looked at her and asked what it was, hoping she would share. She told me she was scared of the chance I would become angry again (Back in the early MLC I was very frustrated, that and add in losing my father, there was a time I was not the best happy person to be around) ... I validated and told her she had a right to have that concern ... Then she said she wanted to do things as a family, implying that I did'nt ... I told her I would love to do that but we would have to start new.
All this is basically PMS talk (See tracking these helps I tell ya) ... she was just down, now sure I could get hopes up and think there is a chance but I know better. I do know that things have been better between us and for now I'll take that. If this place has taught me anything its just to sit there and wait, patience, no pressure, no expectations.
The move is rapidly approaching, I need to get the moving truck lined up, take that day off, get my things in order ... I was stressing about $$ last night and I realized I have some coming in next week, plus I have a stove in the container I need to sell ... I have a little nest egg saved but ya never know about all those hidden expenses.
Wearing green ... Happy St Pats (Last year I spent this day in the Dr office with the wife as they were doing STD screenings ... yeah ... far better off this year.)
Just going to journal a bit ... personal 'me' sctuff
MLC Myth: Its funny, I am not really sure when exactly 'this' journey started. I find myself from time to time trying to think of the trigger that sent W on her way ... could have been BIL's entry into jail, maybe my fathers death, her constant health battles 2-3 years after S was born.... who knows.... regardless ... here I am. I spent to much time thinking .. if I could have figured out when it started then I could guess when it ends .. truth is, I wasted to much time doing that, it started when it started and it will end when it ends, if it ends .. it is what it is now, I could never have stopped it nor can I ever end it ... this is now my life and I needed to take charge of it long ago, something I find myself doing now ... even if at first it was against my will, its been a hard yet liberating experience thus far.
Growth: I have grown so much over the past 1 1/2 years ... almost 2 now to be honest. I am blessed in the fact that my new job is really good, I am happy, the pay is ok, I have freedoms I have never known ... I can easily sneak out and drop off dry cleaning, go see an event S has at school, take him to any Dr appt he needs ... anything I need to do I can easily and guilt free take care of, this is so foreign to me I can come in on the weekend and catch up, get ahead ... the freedom is so refreshing.
Spiritually: ... I have come to realize that God has always been there, always tried to get my attention, I just was to blind and deaf to notice. But now I see the bigger picture, not that I would wish this MLC mess on anyone, but reading so many of the sitches ... sure we all see the trends in our MLCrs ... but I have noticed trends in the LBS's too ... some of us really needed this to become better. I know I would have never taken the steps without this crisis smacking me out of my shell and forcing me to become the man I have been long over due to becoming. I see that now. My priorities were jacked, now .. I think I have a clear picture of what its all about and I shake my head at all the wasted time I spent on things that just never really mattered, and the scary part is ... I am still growing and learning that I have so much more to offer... not in a R sense but as a "Hey ... I have walked that path and let me tell you it leads to no where kid ... let me help you not make the same mistakes I made". I have no doubt God is playing a huge part in my life right now, I am not clear where the future will have me but I do know I will be alright and I am right where I am supposed to be.
Parenting: I considered myself a pretty good Dad even before this, now ... poor kid has no choice but to deal with the fact I am all about him. Just this morning he voiced to me that our time goes by so fast, that he is going to miss me the next two nights ... I still get a few hours with him after school, but us just hanging out at night is fun. I include him on what I am doing, even if its just cleaning out the car .. we do it together and are thankful for the time. I know I am his rock/lighthouse, its an honor ... not to take anything away from W, I think all things considered she is still a great mom even in crisis ... sure .. I would have wished a few things that S did not have to witness of experience, things could have been far worse.
Re-Building Me: I am getting closer to the move, the timing of it all .. is just crazy. within a 6 day span, I will have for the first time be in my own place, have completed my spiritual journey and be a Confirmed Catholic, enter into Mediation. All these things are summits of the separate parts of my life I had to rebuild after BD, not to win my M back, truth be told I will never be in that kind of M again, I have been blessed to see how I lost me, lost my identity, lost the courage to say ... "No .. I want/need ... 'this'" I have saved pieces of me that I liked, I have removed/am removing the parts that never really fit me well. I have started cooking again, actually enjoying it, looking forward to the new place, looking forward to my involvement in church and seeing whom I might be able to help.
Just accepting the new Chapter that is soon to open, looking forward to the new opportunities and experiences I will encounter. For a change my eyes have been looking more forward than over my shoulder towards the past...onward ... onward.
Luke, that post up there....simply amazing. So happy for you, sweetie. You did some big things, huge..really. Not everyone is able to look inside and do the work. Not everyone is honest with what they see when they do. You have done all of that.
I know, without a single doubt, that this was a journey I was meant to go on. I also know that I wouldnt have done what I needed to do without it.
Though it was heartwrenching and difficult, and I am still suffering some of the consequences of his crisis, I thank God every day that He allowed me to trust in Him to make it through it.
You still have some tough stuff coming up. But I know that you will handle them in your wonderful Luke way.
Proud and honored to know you. You are truly a special man. I hope one day our paths cross...now that would be really cool.
Thank you uR ... and yeah the paths crossing would be cool, so much support here its crazy not to want to share a meal/drink with everyone.
Yeah the tough stuff is coming. I do get a vibe of W not sure if this is what she wants (she said so the other day), and I said VIBE ... I am a Jedi so I am allowed to sense vibes and mindread.... neener neener neener.
I got an email yesterday from the Mediators .. disclosing the financial Docs, W did not list any assets other than the wedding ring. She as I thought took a loan out on her 401K to help BIL pay legal fees, also paid off the car. Other than that nothing much, I realized I missed some things .. I sent out a corrected version this morning. Still waiting for wife to notice that I had purchased the Harley ... but I am at a point .. .go ahead be mad all ya want .. you fired me already. I do find it strange that the mediator has asked her twice about finalizing a date for the joint session and as of now there has not been a word said about it.
I did get a bit upset after first getting that email, not for to long, was just as I was getting my haircut. W TM asking where S and I were .. she told me she would be late, she ended up being early and picked up S there just as I was finished. I went to my car to get S's things, put them in the back of her car, looked at her and asked if she was ok, she nodded and off I went. Seen her in the parking lot leaving, she was in tears ... not sure why .. again its PMS time for her so was just an observation.
Today she TM about wanting to put S in a hockey camp, she has always wanted this .. I told her I was fine with the idea she kept asking if I thought he was ready, if he would do it, what I thought ... I laugh thinking about the MLC'rs and how they want us to decide things like this, but we have no say in divorce ... just silly. I replied kindly and just suggested she ask him, I thought he might like it.
Work has slowed just for me, the guys are busy, I have been getting things in order for the move, I changed around paying some things and that freed up a good chunk of funds so I am not stressed out about it. Everything is set up minus the Uhaul .. that and I need to get the Harley fixed to the point I can limp it here to the shop till I get the $$ to fix the damage from the accident, I miss riding it.
but I have noticed trends in the LBS's too ... some of us really needed this to become better. ...My priorities were jacked, now .. I shake my head at all the wasted time I spent on things that just never really mattered
Be careful not to think you have it ALL figured out - you'll stop being a learner
That's an amazing insight Cali. You have a good eye
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
