Life 2.0 Pt 6

[NH115]

Thanks Dawn; I love reading your posts. You're inspiring me!

I don't know how much of it is strength, or if I'm just tired of being afraid. I feel good now, but I also know she hasn't tested me in the last few days. She floated the idea of a trial S last Sunday after we had a rough Saturday night....I was surprised to find myself actually considering the idea. Would have fought her tooth and nail on that a couple of months ago, just out of sheer terror that she would decide she was happier without me. It hasn't come back up in the last couple of days, but you never know.

It's confusing as can be. When my W is in a good mental state she acknowledges how great I am (did that not sound a bit arrogant?). When she's in a bad state, well, then I'm the source of all her problems. Sometimes I just want to shake her and say "If I'm such a great guy, why are you doing this???" At least she doesn't pull the "I need a real man" crap she did in the beginning.

I do feel that she's trying. I can see differences in her behavior and rhetoric that tell me she really wants to try and work things out. She's terrified of being alone, whereas I am mostly not. The problem as I see it is that her idea of success, achieving that mysterious "connection" is so undefinable I don't know if we'll ever really get there. How do I know we're good? Is she going to announce it to me?

Several things had to come together for me to get to where I am. The shock and awe of the whole thing finally wore off. More recently I lost the fear of being alone and started even acknowledging that it was a little tempting. Had some nice (casual, innocent) interactions with several attractive women that boosted my confidence in that area. I started to take a big picture view of my sitch, that it's the 2x4 I needed to overcome my inertia and get back on my game as a man. I was autopiloting a lot of areas in my life, both personal and professional. I feel different in so many ways. I was recently sent a picture of myself from an event just last summer and I felt like I didn't even recognize the guy...thank God!

I ran across a motivational speech by a Florida high school football coach called "I am a champion". It's on Google, like everything else. The speech itself doesn't fit perfectly, since it's about football, not marriage, but some of the lines really spoke to me. I listen to that speech almost every morning.