Just realised wife of 12 years is having a MLC

[Detrmnd]

So here's a quick question for you all, we are a one car family. Currently she is taking the car when I have the kids to drive to OM place every weekend. I don't particularly need the car and can cope as I can borrow my mums car as and when needed, but it does make life slightly trickier and I hate the lack of independence it creates. Should I put my foot down about her taking the family car with her at weekends? Am I being too soft letting her take it or would I just be argumentative asking her to leave it. I know its a crappy journey to try and make by train and it might just force him into dropping her off or collecting her. Something I want to avoid as I want him a million miles away from the family home....

So should I ask for the car to be left with the house or not? Thoughts please...

[edz]

Hi Detrmnd

It's tricky.

When my w walked out last year she "borrowed" the car saying she'd buy me out, then she failed to get a loan on her own and contacted me to say she didnt want maintenance but did need the car, had a claim as she paid off the finance (ignoring who'd paid all the installments of course).

Since I didnt want to add a huge impediment or impact s with education/trips etc I worked out how to get another one.

Who's car is it? Is it registered to you?

Certainly if it's 'your' car with W using it taking it to go see Om seems to be somewhere a boundary may definitely be appropriate.

[Starsky309]

Thanks Starsky,

I have not formally met with an attorney but have spoken to a family friend who is a family law specialist. She has offered guidance in terms of reasonable amounts etc. Legally.

I can tell after tonights conversation it was a definite mixed message... She started on finances and then moved away. She was very curious about the other woman and tried to probe about all kinds of things I was unto in my life.

She then returned to general negativity and guilt tripping to try and make me feel bad. Before finally returning to the financial side of things. I just stuck with "hmm let me think about that" and " yes thats interesting" throughout.

I did though get her to agree (here in the UK lawyers are an expensive accessory not wait so much the commission based norm as the US) that perhaps before either of us agreed to anything we should go and speak to an independent legal advisor. A service that is offered free here in the UK, so we both know where we stand legally before making any decisions.

Having taken legal advice I know that she has un-realistic expectations of what she would receive, something not helped by "friends" offering school yard legal advice etc...

Stil despite that I took today as a positive.

It is one of the first times, she has spoken to me and I have been aware that she is trying to push my buttons and found it easy to not react.

Equally at no time did I agree or back down.

So baby steps, but I can see it was a struggle for her and really the whole financial thing was a smokescreen for her to talk to me about our R...

This post reminded me of something I had saved in my own personal archives, about the different "types of convos" and how most of them are pretty cheeseless tunnels when one spouse is wayward:



Types of Convos

Exactly. Here's the thing: if someone is in an ongoing, unrepentant affair, there are only a few types of conversations/communications they can have with their betrayed spouse, and ALL of them are cheeseless tunnels for the BS:

1) NEGATIVE ones. Blame-making, re-writing marital history, angry outbursts, fight-picking, etc. 'nuff said.

2) Seemingly POSITIVE ones. So long as they are still in contact with OM/OW and lying to their spouse about it, these are all "bullchit spin" at best, and outright GASLIGHTING and LIES at worse. And the problem is, the betrayed spouse inevitably sees this as "baby steps!" and true marital progress, when they are no such thing. They can lead to horrible strategic and tactical mistakes, esp. if the BS doesn't have a good intel system in place. Reading my old journal yesterday, I was BLOWN AWAY at how stable I was able to be in the face of my wife's deceit, simply because I HAD INTEL TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE. This can't be overemphasized.

3) LEGAL/FINANCIAL ones. These are best handled by your attorney, for the obvious reasons. If you start negotiating yourself, when you are way, way, WAY too emotionally entrenched in the situation (and also often running on too-little sleep and WAY too-little emotional needs of your own being met), YOU WILL MAKE FOOLISH MISTAKES and UNWISE CONCESSIONS.

4) FAMILY/LOGISTICAL ones. These are fine, but best handled via e-mail or text message. A cheating spouse will use these as a ploy to lure you into R convos and worse; SEE #1 ABOVE.

5) SMALL-TALK. This is fine, but only in RESPONSE -- don't initiate it if your strategy is to go "dim" and if it's to go "dark" you shouldn't even respond. If it's "dim," then only respond to one of every several communications, and usually delayed, because you're BUSY and GETTING A LIFE, remember?

Puppy

[Starsky309]

Re the car, I THOUGHT you were going to ask the oft-asked question here that "should I let wife take the car when she's with the kids, because she's also using it to go be with OM," but this is when YOU have the kids???

Not even a difficult decision, in my mind: HELL NO. I would not do ANYTHING that enables her affair, unless there's some overriding concern with the kids.

In whose name is the car titled? Who paid/pays for it?


Starsky

[Detrmnd]

Hi Starsky thanks for the advice... The car is in my name.

So today things got a lot worse... or better in terms of intel.

I run the mail server all the stuff goes through for all family emails, there was an issue today and I was sorting some things out. Anyways she had sent an email to herself of an attachment of every conversation upto yesterday she has had with OM/A on whatsapp (their medium of choice for text).

I couldn't resist, I downloaded and started reading... The EA was going on for two months before, chatting online. The first meeting was planned, and not "off the cuff" as claimed. I haven't even read 10% there is such a huge volume to go through... Should I read it all even though it hurts like hell to read? But is more knowledge worth more pain?

So I guess I at least have intel and now know she is wildly in love with her AP and had discussed leaving me for him months ago...

Right now I feel awful and just want to go lie down and cry, but I am determined that this won't knock me off track.

I just need help from you guys on how to sort this out, just glad I didn't make any financial commitments yesterday!

[Cadet]

Personally I would stop reading it.

She is having an affair how much more detail do you really need?

Your family is under attack.

Time to start leading your family and stop wallowing that you have been attacked.

That is the brutal reality.

[Vanilla]

Cadet
Hijack alert
If you are available can you help Zelda with her script please?

Vanilla

[Starsky309]

Hi Starsky thanks for the advice... The car is in my name.

So today things got a lot worse... or better in terms of intel.

I run the mail server all the stuff goes through for all family emails, there was an issue today and I was sorting some things out. Anyways she had sent an email to herself of an attachment of every conversation upto yesterday she has had with OM/A on whatsapp (their medium of choice for text).

I couldn't resist, I downloaded and started reading... The EA was going on for two months before, chatting online. The first meeting was planned, and not "off the cuff" as claimed. I haven't even read 10% there is such a huge volume to go through... Should I read it all even though it hurts like hell to read? But is more knowledge worth more pain?

So I guess I at least have intel and now know she is wildly in love with her AP and had discussed leaving me for him months ago...

Right now I feel awful and just want to go lie down and cry, but I am determined that this won't knock me off track.

I just need help from you guys on how to sort this out, just glad I didn't make any financial commitments yesterday!

Save it, back it up, and give both copies to a TRUSTED third party to go thru for you, and only give you an "executive summary" of it and alert you to any immediate threats (legal, financial).

I'm sorry, Detrmnd. At least you have CLARITY now.


Starsky

[HeavyD]

I am sorry you had to read all of that. I would not read any more. You already know the gist of it, the rest will only cause you pain and sorrow.

It's good to have intel, in my opinion, you have enough.

[Detrmnd]

Thanks guys I won't read anymore, I guess there is no point.

Starsky I will pass it to a 3rd party. Though I find it so humiliating I have no idea who..

Also now I must point out that W has been telling anyone who knows that I have been controlling, mentally unwell and that she is not having an A.

In the early parts of the messages she even says "I feel bad because I know this would hurt my husband but I can't stop something that feels this right"so she did as some point acknowledge she was crossing a bridge.

From december there is him asking if she would leave me for him and her saying "in a second" etc...

So Should I expose this to others who she is lying to and painting a picture of me to that justifies her behaviour?

Finally dropping D off earlier she said "I heard mummy on the phone to someone last night saying that 'I just wished that he would just get move on and we could get a divorce so that I could be free'". Now I am mega pissed that D13 overheard this, I know she was talking to OM but I need to mention this to W. How should I react and what should I do or say?

Thanks all of you for your help