M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
You remind me my lovely mom. She had a M with lots of verbal, psychological and mental abuse. My mom spent 35 years beside my dad and there were many, many dark days.
Reading about the cycles makes me understand how things were then. My dad would be very aggressive and saying horrible words to my mom and then all the sudden it would be all nice and calm.
She became very codependent and did not realized it. With age and then retirement things escalate to physical. My mom gave my dad just one chance to put a hand on her.
She went through a tough time but she made it. She got a D and she says she has never been better. My dad passed away years ago but my mom still loves him, to this date.
So, V, I feel for you. You are not just dealing with his violence, you also dealing with your own feelings for this man.
I am sure you are having fun and getting yourself busy to avoid depression and so. I also read you have a few sessions with an IC. Do you have a chance to continue seeing someone to help you during this process and also to clean some wounds from the past abuses?
I saw my mom like an Yo-Yo until she got help. She went to a psychologist, psychiatrist and had the help of meds. The fear was something hard to deal with.
So, make sure you can get some kind of help asap. These feelings are deep, very deep wounds that needs attention or they will always be inside you.
I like tough, that you are getting stronger and standing for yourself. Are there close friends that are helping you through this difficult time or it is just the support groups or the board?
Do you have a plan in place if things escalate? Like a friend you can knock on her door any time of the night?
My prayers are with you. Be careful when you go back to the big house. And always remember that you are a God's creation and no one has a right to diminish you, abuse you in any way or form.
This post reminded me of something I had saved in my own personal archives, about the different "types of convos" and how most of them are pretty cheeseless tunnels when one spouse is wayward: Types of Convos
Exactly. Here's the thing: if someone is in an ongoing, unrepentant affair, there are only a few types of conversations/communications they can have with their betrayed spouse, and ALL of them are cheeseless tunnels for the BS:
2) Seemingly POSITIVE ones. So long as they are still in contact with OM/OW and lying to their spouse about it, these are all "bullchit spin" at best, and outright GASLIGHTING and LIES at worse. And the problem is, the betrayed spouse inevitably sees this as "baby steps!" and true marital progress, when they are no such thing. They can lead to horrible strategic and tactical mistakes, esp. if the BS doesn't have a good intel system in place. Reading my old journal yesterday, I was BLOWN AWAY at how stable I was able to be in the face of my wife's deceit, simply because I HAD INTEL TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE. This can't be overemphasized.
3) LEGAL/FINANCIAL ones. These are best handled by your attorney, for the obvious reasons. If you start negotiating yourself, when you are way, way, WAY too emotionally entrenched in the situation (and also often running on too-little sleep and WAY too-little emotional needs of your own being met), YOU WILL MAKE FOOLISH MISTAKES and UNWISE CONCESSIONS.
4) FAMILY/LOGISTICAL ones. These are fine, but best handled via e-mail or text message. A cheating spouse will use these as a ploy to lure you into R convos and worse; SEE #1 ABOVE.
5) SMALL-TALK. This is fine, but only in RESPONSE -- don't initiate it if your strategy is to go "dim" and if it's to go "dark" you shouldn't even respond. If it's "dim," then only respond to one of every several communications, and usually delayed, because you're BUSY and GETTING A LIFE, remember?
I just love this from Starsky to Det. The first one can deteriorate to abuse, and I am going to try to merge this with my knowledge of the abuse cycle.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/18/1507:01 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
You remind me my lovely mom. She had a M with lots of verbal, psychological and mental abuse. My mom spent 35 years beside my dad and there were many, many dark days. This must have been hard to see Pink.
Reading about the cycles makes me understand how things were then. My dad would be very aggressive and saying horrible words to my mom and then all the sudden it would be all nice and calm.
There was no internet then or available books to make it clear!
She became very codependent and did not realized it. With age and then retirement things escalate to physical. My mom gave my dad just one chance to put a hand on her.
She went through a tough time but she made it. She got a D and she says she has never been better. My dad passed away years ago but my mom still loves him, to this date.
I do understand that, love the sinner hate the sin.
So, V, I feel for you. You are not just dealing with his violence, you also dealing with your own feelings for this man.
I am sure you are having fun and getting yourself busy to avoid depression and so. I also read you have a few sessions with an IC. Do you have a chance to continue seeing someone to help you during this process and also to clean some wounds from the past abuses?
Pink, yes I now have a specialist abuse consellor to help me from a UK charity. H can have help too. One good thing in the UK is the availability of resources for the abuser. This is because the abuser will abuse a new victim, picking weaker and weaker targets and doing more and more damage. Helping the abused will just move the problem on to another victim.
I saw my mom like an Yo-Yo until she got help. She went to a psychologist, psychiatrist and had the help of meds. The fear was something hard to deal with.
So, make sure you can get some kind of help asap. These feelings are deep, very deep wounds that needs attention or they will always be inside you.
Pink I really do seek help, every little ounce I can get. I am very lucky in this, 10 years ago these resources would not have been available.
I like tough, that you are getting stronger and standing for yourself. Are there close friends that are helping you through this difficult time or it is just the support groups or the board?
I have tried to keep friends and family out of this as much as I can. My sister raised this because of specific remarks about my mother. My Bestie knows and she is safe and wise. My no 2 at work knows. I also have my Gamanon fellowship too.
Do you have a plan in place if things escalate?
I do, firstly call the police, already there is a record of abuse so they will come. H can be arrested. Then I apply for a restraining order. Then D.
Like a friend you can knock on her door any time of the night?
Yes indeed, my Bestie, if she is away Orange Wednesday pal. If all fails my other flat. Spare bag in my office cupboard and a futon sofa in the office too, would work for a night. First choice H a night in a cell, my VSO says that reality of jail wakes up abusers to the abuse- they get mandated to do the Freedom course by the court the following day instead of jail time. A little like a driving awareness course. The police will only intervene on the incident, not just on my say so. There also has to be a 'pattern' or established prior offence on record or bodily harm or drunken behaviour.
My prayers are with you.
And mine with you, especially when you disappeared on me!
Be careful when you go back to the big house. And always remember that you are a God's creation and no one has a right to diminish you, abuse you in any way or form.
I will not be abused again in my house. Enough.
We love you V and we stand with you on this.
I sense that and value it greatly.
Love, Pink
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/18/1507:26 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
