Zelda - I want it all, all right now.

[Zelda09]

H went out and partied for st pattys last night. Came home late snoring on the couch. When I left I noticed my house key missing tho I think it is almost impossible he would have taken it considering purse has been on me or near me for limited time we've been in house together. But I woke him up and asked him anyway. There was a brief exchange where he said how'd you lose your key and I answered, it's not on the chain. "That wasn't the question." I ignored that. But it is typical of him, the controlling way he tries to order me through conversations. I just told him I was borrowing his to make a copy. He looked theatrically tired and what not like he's just recovered from a hard day of battle. I left without saying goodbye.

I am growing angry at how he keeps avoiding me, this.

Is it appropriate to tell our friends and family what is going on? I don't believe in drawing others into drama but I don't believe this should be silent between us, either.
We will see tonight how he handles.

[Zelda09]

Just noticed he ran up a nice big tab on my debit card (I loaned it to him for groceries that he couldn't get) out partying last night. That takes the cake. I see no recovery possible, the disrespect is unfathomable to me.

Wish me luck tonight as I deliver the news, we are going to have the divorce he wanted.

[Vanilla]

Z

If you straightforwardly want a D then confrontation is unnecessary, just ask him to leave, you can do that by phone call and say you can talk another time. This reduces the risks to Z. If it is the abuse you need stopped then a personal meeting may be needed to state your boundaries on abuse.

Please work from a place of calmness. Mentioning D other than as a consequence is problematic. I can give you my experience of why this time V made progress in this post.

H response to your stating your boundary may be incomprehensible spew. record any rant and keep the knowledge to yourself. practice recording with your phone, iPad or laptop until you get the technique, if necessary get an app.

STFU until H has finished his spew keep to yourself that you are recording H. Phone needs to be fully charged. Forward the recording to your own mailbox immediately.

Be cool, composed and determined. Ensure there is immediate help to hand and if anything physical, get the hell away. Be safe, above all, be safe YOU are too precious. Leave every incident before the last one from your boundary, you will distract and weaken your case. Also be prepared to see H crumble and if so please do not sooth him or that will reward him. Just walk away.

I know you are angry and sad. When dealing with H become Z the determined, think of one of your heroines. You are on a mission, to get this abuse under control. Please have the cool, calm and collected tool to hand.

The taking of your key is both 'gas lighting,' and 'control' my H has done that to me with my car key. I keep spares hidden elsewhere now too. Using your debit card is the type of action some 13 year olds would do, it's spiteful and you want repaying.

Z, I shall be around and checking in. H may keep avoiding you if he feels guilty.

V

[Vanilla]

Z

Just wanted to add a boundary is different to an ultimatum. H is likely to dig his heels, tantrum, get defensive If you present him with an ultimatum.

If it were me then either a statement ' I have decided you need to leave and I shall be filing for divorce' or a boundary ' I am angry and sad that I believe you are abusing and intimidating me, in the last few days you have threatened me physically, .......and used my debit card to pay for your St Patrick night out. I have decided that if this happens again then D is my only option' or words to that effect. Sandi or Wonka or Cadet may use better words.


If you want to rehearse then please post.

V

[Zelda09]

Ok, vets - help with a script please (thanks V for the suggestion.

H, I met with our MC last night and she recommended that C should be here for this discussion, and he has agreed, and heard the thing I am about to describe. You used your arm to send two bowls flying at my body. When I told you to clean up your mess, you followed me into the kitchen and wrestled my phone out of my hands, destroyed it, and stood over me with your fists on either side of my head screaming. I walked out the door and before I was out of the way, you slammed it into me.

I have been feeling emotionally bullied by you for weeks, and this physical intimidation is too much. I feel safe only as long as I do not say something that may upset you or that you cannot handle.

This is painful to me and I will not live in a house with violence. I told you that years ago. Though you are entitled to your feelings about the things I said about the errand and party, there is no justification for this violent behavior. I am upset that you have chosen not to speak with me about it for three days, and then used my personal account to fund your night out last night. I feel incredibly disrespected.

I have explored filing a police report detailing the damage you did on Sunday night, and if anything like this is to ever happen again, I will not hesitate to call the police.

I would like to know if you are interested in continuing this marriage. Here is the information I have found on a course for domestic violence and anger management that meets every week.

(if there is equivocation, protest, blaming...I'm asking for the D. My MC told me last night - change is only possible in those that want to change. Boundaries are great if I am forced to be in this situation, which I am not. I am getting nothing out of this but grief.) then:

H, I do love you and want to see you do well. I am hoping we can agree to an uncontested D and begin the process of dividing our lives. I would like you to move out in the meantime, beginning tonight or tomorrow, as I no longer feel comfortable in the house with you.

[Vanilla]

Z

You might need to start with

I need 5/10 minutes of your time and please let me finish what I have to say without interruption. If I am interrupted then I will walk away until another time.

V

[Zelda09]

Ok.

You know what stinks? Friends/family being like, eh, you had a fight. Do you want to throw it all away on a fight?

And I feel myself starting to lose my resolve. Like V said earlier, one of them is like, "don't tell him what his option to fix it is. Lay the hurt out there, lay the boundary, and let him decide what he's going to do about it." And all I see happening out of that is more of the same, another few months of it.

[Vanilla]

Ok, vets - help with a script please (thanks V for the suggestion.

H, I met with our MC last night and she recommended that C should be here for this discussion, and he has agreed, and heard the thing I am about to describe. On Sunday evening you used your arm to send two bowls flying at my body. When I asked you to clean up the messyou followed me into the kitchen and wrestled my phone out of my hands, destroyed it, and stood with your fists on either side of my head screaming. Then as Iwalked through the door and before I was out of the way, you slammed it into me.

I have been angry and sad that I believe I have been emotionally bullied by you for weeks, and I find this physical intimidation is too much. I feel safe only as long as I do not say something that may upset you or that you cannot handle.

This is painful to me and I will not live in a house with violence. I told you that years ago.Though you are entitled to your feelings about the things I said about the errand and party, There is no justification for this violent behavior. I am also upset that you have chosen not to speak with me about it for three days, and then used my personal account to fund your night out last night. I am feeling incredibly disrespected.

I have explored filing a police report detailing the intimidation and damage on Sunday night, and if anything like this is to ever happen again, I will not hesitate to call the police.

I would like to know if you are interested in continuing this marriage If you wish us to resolve this then I have found on a course for domestic violence and anger management that meets every week and I am prepared to work with you to do so.

(if there is equivocation, protest, blaming...I'm asking for the D. My MC told me last night - change is only possible in those that want to change. Boundaries are great if I am forced to be in this situation, which I am not. I am getting nothing out of this but grief.) then:

H, I do love you and want to see you do well. It is clear to me that this has concluded and I am confident that we can agree to an uncontested D and begin the process of dividing our lives. I would like you to move out in the meantime, beginning tonight or tomorrow, as I no longer feel comfortable in the house with you.

This is other than one isolated fight Z.

OK?

V

[susana4]

Good luck Z. Thinking of you.

(((((((((()))))))))))

[Cadet]

Well I have not really read your sich but a boundary is something that you control, like if you continue to hit me I will walk away, file for divorce, or call the police.

I can say that until he is ready to be all in, the odds are he will bust through or break any other boundaries.

So I would agree with what V wrote to you as
I do not think you should tolerate domestic abuse.

Please protect yourself with what ever means possible that you have.