I got hold of the "Five Love Languages" book by that Chapman guy. Reading it makes obvious what I was saying in an earlier post. My language is "Words of Affirmation"-- I've never needed anything more than to be told I am loved-- and W's is and always has been "Quality Time".
Knowing this makes it transparently obvious why she adores OM. She has specifically said that she loves the fact that when she wants to sign up for an athletic event, or go shopping, he is happy to do that with her. And, of course, she has his undivided attention every moment of every day of the week, especially when they spend 15-hour days together. If what turns her on and makes her feel loved is quality time together, she's getting more from him now than she ever did from me.
During the MC session last night I backed off from my not-a-boundary, indicating that of course she can't be expected to keep track of my schedule. I also took the occasion during the session to mention, not the "Love Languages" book specifically, but my discovery that failing to provide quality time to my partners is what sank every one of my romantic relationships but one. Naturally she must have thought that my mentioning it was some kind of ploy to change her mind-- her body language communicated suspicion and hostility-- but she gamely confirmed that I was not mistaken to think that this has always been her primary frustration and was the key element of our M breakdown.
Having the not-a-boundary conversation, and subsequently the acting class, has definitely helped throw me into a more stable and confident place. I seem to find myself able, in the main, to displace my feelings about her rotten behavior into the double basin of "she knows not what she does" and "this has nothing to do with me". The general problem I'm having is that whenever I'm not specifically attending to my job hunt, I immediately get smacked by intrusive thoughts about this situation and how I'd like to resolve it, and I then keep obsessing and ruminating over those thoughts, which makes it difficult to focus on the writing and activities I need to do for my job hunt.
