Thanks, bdub, RD, Toots, Maybell for weighing in on the vacation thing. I'm much closer to H's family than I am my own, I talk to his sister a few times a week, I talk to my sister a few times a year. Ditto the moms. It's just hard to feel shoved out of a family because he's being selfish. I know that SIL and MIL mean well, that they are making an effort to keep in touch, that they have been very supportive, but I also know as time goes on and things shift, he's their son, their brother. I'm the X. This Gulf Coast summer is the most relaxing thing I do all year, my kids look forward to it all year, there's nothing that could ever possibly replace it. And that's sad.
The rest of this it largely a brain dump, it may or may not make sense, but here I go.
Yesterday I went to a meeting at church (where I used to work) and as I was leaving I stopped to talk to one of the maintenance guys and found out his W had left him a month ago and he hadn't talked to her since. He knew about my H, and we chatted about both of us a bit. He made the comment that he knew I'd still take H back, even now, and I teared up a bit. Because, yes, a lot of the time I think I would.
So swirl that conversation around in my head with Monday's conversation with H, and with the two honesty/venting texts I sent yesterday, and I get the following observations. Yes, there are times when I absolutely feel like I'd take him back in that moment. But when I think through what I believe that would accomplish, almost none of it has anything to do with H himself. I want someone to raise my kids with, I want someone to grow old with, I want someone to love and cherish me, to walk beside me, to talk to, to share my life with. I notice that I'm not saying how much I love H, how much I miss *him*. And I feel a little guilty about that. Would I take H back just to get those things? Wouldn't that be just as selfish of me as he's being?
I'm going to try being a little more NC. I'm not sure what I can cut out, honestly, as I only contact him about kid and house stuff now, but I really feel like a little more space would do me some good right now. This week anyway. Even as stupid as I think the NC is. I don't know how I can feel like it's stupid and do it anyway, but here I go.
