Part 16 - edz, just edz

[rd500]

Hi Edz. Just a quick thought on reading your post. I was at a parade yesterday with D10 to watch D14 hip hop her way through town. I emailed pics to W but put no text And I love W. Just pointing out you can't even begin to think what they are thinking BUT your W was thinking of you or you wouldn't have got pic. Not trying to give false hope but looking to the positives as opposed to the negatives

PMA mate. Take care. Rd

[edz]

Hi Rd

Oh believe me any time she stops and thinks "Hey, Edz may like to see this" gives me a little PMA boost it's keeping it in check with the expectations thats difficult!

I was sitting in the garage freezing this morning (car garage not my garage, I dont have a garage, how did I get onto Garages?) and started to feel down about it all. Stupidly it was because last time I was there was having an MOT was dec 13 with "our" car. Ridiculous what makes you go into a spiral, worse w's favourite pop song came on the radio. It was one of those "oh, come on!" kind of moments.

Everyones comments came to me though and I told myself no, moving onwards we'll see what happens. Got me through it. Then the car passed (was convinced it would fail) and I had to get back to get on with work.

I'm coming around to feeling ok again about the future whether thats with w or not (I hope for with but its not entirely my call and I have to accept that) meantime thinking about ok what do i want to do. Will be sorting out my passport soon (as soon as I get driving license back with new address - for various overcomplex governmental department reasons for our US buddies) then will make sure with our without w I'll get away for a few days this summer, first holiday I'll have taken in 7 years that wasnt for household reasons but purely for vacation.

Lots of little plans im thinking of, they probably seem silly to non db'ers but I've always squashed what I wanted for everyone else and Im dusting some ideas off to see if they still shine or if they need decluttering (much like the office im in right now!)

Anyway busy, work to finish off, chilli to get on to cook down then off to the shops

Thanks all.

[Dawn70]

You are GAL'ing all over the place. So glad for you! Good work on dropping a pants size...keep up the good work.

[edz]

Thanks dawn.

Got some shirts and t shirts tonight. Wasn't blown away with the selections. Seems if I don't want to be a hipster, not madly keen on cardigans and having decided blue isn't for me...anyone want to guess the main colour available...sigh

Never mind have black crimson and dark green. Also a bar of green and black 72% dark chocolate mmmmm. Had a nice bowl of chilli with pitta then blueberries with cream and maple syrup and a glass of red. Very nice. Bft licking both bowls mmm a cat eating chilli...she's sleeping elsewhere tonight!

Worked out yesterday after exercise had about 1100 cals in 24 hours which is good stuff. Should hit goal in about another 3 months (don't want to go too fast). Never going to have a "beach" body but healthier, fitter and can get clothes in the shops (bar trouser length in some shops!).

[Sotto]

Edz, you're doing so well with the diet and exercise - wow! You're sounding better in yourself as well - hopefully you've turned the corner from having a few more difficult weeks. I'm just back from yoga GAL, which was very nice. Just had a big bowl of spicy soup and now drinking a glass of wine.

Is your yoga class confirmed now? I was thinking of you in class tonight and hoping you're going to enjoy your new GAL project...

[edz]

Supposedly second week in April toots.

Yes feeling better back up the rollercoaster again now. Another trip into the cheeseless tunnel of "the end" again I think was the problem can't seem to teach my subconscious / heart that one to stop assuming the end from lack of contact etc.

Do feel healthier and thinner still a ways to go thighs and muffin top need dealing with got some new exercises to try for those.

[jim0987]

Hi edz. How you doing? No chilli filled cat related incidents I hope.

Those silly little ideas for plans, whatever they are you should do them. If you haven't read yes man by Danny Wallace (or watch the film if you prefer)

Can you do me a favour on your thinking. Can you try a little word replacement, so when you find yourself thinking about 'the' end, try having the exact same sentence but think 'an' end. death is the only 'the' end and some people will disagree with even that.

Instead of saying 'never going to have a beach body but....' say 'I don't want a beach body but....'

My wife may never love me again, but that doesn't mean I will never be loved again (OK I might not but who knows). I could have a beach body but to be honest I'm not sufficiently incentivised for the work it would take.

Its a kind of stinking thinking when we relinquish control of ourselves and our own happiness by tiny choices of words that are absolute or mask our choices.

And as quoted in that cinematic masterpiece - under siege 2

Assumptions are the mother of all F%&# ups

OK I'll get back in box now

[edz]

Hi Jim

No mog was fine, been sleeping on s's bed since I shooed her away from the clean bedsheets the other day.

Silly little ideas are indeed being investigated one by one like a bag of marbles

Stuff on the end wasnt very clear, thats exactly what I mean, nothing is the end until I say it is even if we divorce up to me what happens next or up to me if I want to walk away tomorrow, I just need to get my heart to catch up with my head on that.

Cant agree with the beach body though, that would take an army of personal trainers, a very good surgeon and possibly CGI to accomplish What I can, will and am doing though is getting away from being a beached whale, now have a much reduced waist, better stamina and can wear normal human clothes - yay does wonders for my opinion of myself. I *even* took a selfie this morning to see how the new shirt looked, couldnt stomach myself (no pun intended) before so mental changes seem to be ingrained now anyway!

Assumptions, when you make an ass out of you and umption!

W texted me after an absense to say s had had some problems whilst out this morning and so wasnt going on screens for the rest of the day, did I want to take him swimming as he could use the exercise (I've taken on PE teacher roles since I'm quite busy nowadays losing this spare tyre) and he was feeling sorry for himself.

Waited a little while and checked the trunks / swimming gear situation and then replied yes. Offered we can all grab a bite afterwards if she's free no reply as yet I have no expectations of her saying yes to be honest, just always ask.

S has a photography lesson day saturday which w booked, I emailed this morning checking to see if she was taking him so I can plan my weekend accordingly. She's emailed me the e-ticket this afternoon (asked her to print - she has the printer since I rarely use one though I may check gumtree for one as this is the second time i've found myself needing one) emailed her back to see if I'm taking him or if she's tagging along (simply as I know she planned it)

Anyway on with finishing up work. Generally Im like the weather right now, generally warming up but I have bright sunny patches then dark and gloomy. Like the british summer I'm hoping it will be one of those rare occasions where it becomes a cracking success but guarding against dissapointment if its a washout

All will be fine, given enough time...

[Sotto]

Hi Edz - glad to hear you're doing okay, and nice you get to have a swim with S. I read the statement below, and thought to myself - why does he continue with this pursuit?


"Offered we can all grab a bite afterwards if she's free no reply as yet I have no expectations of her saying yes to be honest, just always ask."

Don't ask, would be my advice. I think you are still presenting as "very much available" to your W. And I think it would be positive for your sitch if you left your W wondering a little more.

Why not try doing that for a week and monitor how that goes?

[jim0987]

I have bright sunny patches then dark and gloomy

Just wait til tomorrow, there's a solar eclipse.