still moving on

[Ahoy]

Got adjustments to paperwork from his L at last. Now in the haggling stage. I hope it goes quickly. I was married to a hologram. It was only a matter of time before he went "poof" and I'm glad he's not going to waste any more of my time.

D14 is sad about the sale of the house. She had pleaded with her dad to keep it, but he wouldn't even though he could have. I am seeing a lot of anger in her toward her dad this week. He has no idea how much he's damaged his relationship with her. I hope, for her sake, that she'll be able to move past her anger toward him and have a good relationship with him. But, as she told him herself, she doesn't trust him. How could she? He pulled the carpet out from under our family with no warning? And he expects her to be fine with that? His correspondence from the L is so full of self-entitlement and narcissism that it helps me see why it's best for me to move on with my life. Who on earth would want a partner like that?

[Dawn70]

It sounds like things are going your way. I have been tied up with moving and super busy at work, but I am still reading and seeing what is going on with you. Keep on moving on! Your strength is so inspirational.

[rd500]

Very strong sounding Ahoy. Things moving fast for you. So sorry D is upset and her R with her dad is not what it should be. Tough for you to see and deal with. I hope you H starts to see what he's doing to his child and thinks better of it. Please take care. Rd

[Ahoy]

So found out through mutual friend that H bought a new house (also heard he was looking through D14). so he gets to happily move on -- has his great career that I made possible for him, his own home in a good neighborhood in the midst of all our friends, a new young girlfriend, fancy new clothes and haircut, dog, etc.

Me? I get to sell all my belongings and move in with my parents in the small town I vowed never to return to. But I'll get my daughter 70% of the time, and I'll also have something that he won't that's more important than anything: her respect.

[rd500]

Hi Ahoy. Things keep going on in your sitch. I don't know about laws where you live but as you are both still married don't you have rights over anything he owns ? If your H is spending money that was earned during your M then surely your are entitled to a share. I'm not suggesting you take anything that's not yours but if the money is from the family earnings.

Stay strong and take care. Rd

[SunnyB]

Ahoy, I see RD's point. Why is H's new house not half yours?

[Ahoy]

We already split up the money -- I was smart and did that right away. Now we are just negotiating the disparity in our retirement funds vs. the equity in the house we are selling. Our bank accounts are totally separate.

[Dawn70]

Wow...things are moving quickly for you now too. I think that your attitude about having your daughter's respect is amazing. That is a priceless asset and you and she will continue to draw an even closer bond that will be so amazing.

Continuing to keep you in my thoughts as you prepare to move forward. I am rooting for you and feel like we are kindred spirits in a way, in our situations and our closeness of age.

[Ahoy]

Dawn, I wish my process had been as quick as yours! You make me look like a slowpoke. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. It means a lot. Even though this is the outcome I want, absolutely, I still have difficult days where I still just can't believe it. The shock of the betrayal still hurts. I'm trying to recognize when I'm sinking into self-pity so I won't wallow in it but instead focus my energies on moving forward in a positive way.

[Ahoy]

So H sent nasty text last night in response to legal correspondence. Threatened not to let me move D14 out of state if he didn't get what he wanted -- something in the parenting plan that I had already told him was fine! He has no memory, I swear.

I told him not to confuse my L's correspondence and tone as coming from me, and to not jump to the worst conclusions. I reminded him that I have been kind and accommodating to his requests all along. He calmed down.

I told him I had also been upset by his L's language but hadn't said anything to him. Then some quiet sobbing ensued on my end, triggered by financial discussion of how I had assisted him with getting his good salaried job, supporting him over the years, etc.

He said he cried too sometimes but "We both tried." What? In what way was he "trying"? And how did I not get that memo? I didn't even know anything was wrong. And he didn't give me a chance to "try." Honestly, it made me so mad. It was all I could do not to say "Um, actually you just abandoned me and ran off with a younger woman." No trying happened -- he wouldn't even do real counseling with me. But luckily I STFU and said I had to go take care of something else. He is clinging to his narrative that he and I just drifted apart and couldn't get along (somehow I was unaware of this throughout our marriage?!). I have my narrative, which I know is the truth: He became engaged in an EA with OW, then left me to pursue her. That is the truth, but he will never take ownership because then he will have to confront his guilt in dissolving the family and abandoning me when I needed him most (i.e. brain tumor issues).

The good thing about the conversation is that it reminded me: 1. His memory is no good -- something I've known a long time 2. He is never going to admit to wrongdoing or be honest about the affair's beginning 3. I do not want to be with him ever again. He is a truly disordered individual suffering from narcissism, filled with self-righteousness and entitlement. Have fun with that OW! It's only a matter of time before she will figure it out for herself. I would like to thank her for taking him off my hands.

Now working on dividing retirement/home equity stuff. Hope to clear this last hurdle and move on as soon as possible.