Mozza (10) + Links to success stories

[Mozza]

PatientMan kindly replied to my post about flirting and dating on MCS' thread. I copy it and respond here because it's less relevant for MCS and TLEE86.

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PatientMan: Thank you for taking the time to share your perspective. It is certainly useful for me and all who think about this and there are several on these boards. You have clarity about this topic.

I get the sense that we will never see eye to eye on this, so it is probably better not to reply to each comment until we find some sort of agreement. Let me then respond in a more general way.

I am still married to my WAW and promised to be faithful to her in my wedding vows. I meant it and I abode by it throughout our relationship, even when she offered me to be unfaithful in return for her 2009 indiscretion. So why do I feel free to be unfaithful now? Because my WAW has broken the M contract and moved away from it. This pledge was between us, not between me and a piece of paper and not between me and God because I'm not religious. The day that my WAW was unfaithful, in 2009, I did not feel freed from my commitment to her because she wanted to make the relationship work (we only got married the following year). The difference is that this time my WAW has completely and unambiguously freed herself from our mutual commitment. She left me for an OM and now lives with him. She is only waiting to D because here it takes one year - in other jurisdictions it would have been over in 30 days. She's given me the green light to be with other women on the day she left home, saying that "all options are open but we shouldn't live our lives according to this".

Women, especially WAW, are not attracted to a man who pledges to be faithful to their wedding vows when they act the way that my WAW does. I don't see strength in being faithful to my WAW, in fact I see weakness. It would not be self-respect for me to wait on a woman who has rejected me so clearly and is living a new life with an OM. In fact, I would be a mockery of a man by pledging to be faithful to her under these circumstances. Holding on to your promises is not an absolute and circumstances change. Not being the first to break a contract is important, but people will walk circles around us if they know that they can commit us for longer than they do. In this case, I'm not one to live an open marriage. Should she want to be back, it would be another change in circumstances. Should I have met someone "better" in the meantime, this is a risk that she's chosen to take at BD.

By the way, I don't know that I'll have to sleep with other women to feel self-respect again. The mere fact that I feel free to do it goes a long way. Taking action has been a real challenge for me and I've avoided situations where I had a chance to flirt. But this is not about my actions anyway, but my mindset and intentions.

Notice that I only consider this course of action under the extreme circumstances of my sitch. In cases where there's been no cheating or there is still some sort of mutual commitment, or even early into an extreme sitch, I don't think it's appropriate.

Do I want to have fun by sleeping with other women? Yes. Fun is nothing to be ashamed of. I plan on being very clear about my intentions. I wouldn't be the first one to have sex with people without spending the rest of my life with them, in fact this is how a vast majorities of coupling occurs. I also acknowledge my sexual needs without shame and frankly I'm looking forward to the touch of a woman. Reproduction is a carnal desire like hunger and thirst and is experienced by all forms of life.

I hope this clarifies and especially that it helps those who struggle to come up with their own answer for their sitch.