Sandi, Starsky talks about 4 stages of remorse in a WW (wish I could find the thread). My W could never make it past stage 3: I know I did something wrong, but what's the big deal? Why can't you just get over it. She progressed from there to putting all the blame on me. My question, and I think this will be helpful to koalada, is what, if anything, to do about it? Is this a time for setting boundaries? If this is an angry person, how do you set boundaries? My W is not angry; just passive and avoidant. I think Koalada is up against something worse. Any practical advice?
Are you speaking of the timing of when to set the boundary, or are you asking about a boundary regarding her anger?
She is free to feel whatever she wants, but the boundary would be directed to how she treats you due to her anger.
For example, if I were the LBH, I would not tolerate a WW screaming, cursing, etc., at me, b/c it is a show of disrespect. She can "feel" whatever, but she's not going to get in my face about it. You can't just stand there and be her whipping post while she lashes out.
I don't think a man should ever just stand there and take it while a woman chews him up & spits him out. And never allow her to disrespect him in front of the children. Never! It is a personal and emotional attack on him. Sometimes, it becomes physical. If she is out of control, he needs to either take charge of the situation (if he can) or get away from it. I would definitely have a boundary about any of that type behavior being displayed.
Working through the stages of remorse is tough b/c of the anger she has toward her H. The anger started a long time before she became wayward. It is really hard for her to just drop it and forgive. It's like she wants to keep that anger burning and not put it out.
If a woman, like your W seems to want to settle things by putting all the blame at your feet....and move on from there, she's really simply refusing to take full responsibility for the terrible damage she's caused. It is much easier to label it as your fault, push it back and try to act as if that is the end of it. Only, we know it's not the end of it. It's like trying to hide a demon!
The passive woman who wants the H to just not make a big deal out of it and move on......that's the one that is hard to crack, IMHO. Maybe b/c it is hard to know if she's really dealing with the remorse stages (as well as other things), or not. Personally, I believe it is unwise for the H to accept her terms (to just forget it and move on) in the M. He should tell her it's not that simple, and then if he has his own terms, he can state it. It may be for them to attend therapy in that specific area. If he just goes with the flow in order to keep the M together, it's the same as rug sweeping and her silent anger continues to grow. The blame she is aiming at you must be resolved, if either of you are going to be happy with each other again. There again, you can't make her do any of it.
Sometimes it is a matter of time and the WW doing the internal work within her own heart/soul. However, if she acts as if she has simply "dismissed" it and refuses to work with you or see a professional to resolve the issues that still exists, then you have the decision to either go along with her and accept that she may never take responsibility and feel complete remorse......or you can take action to not live with her. You can't force someone to change their way of thinking/feeling.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
