My wife (39) and I (41) have been in martial struggles for quite a while now, since November 2011 that she told me that she was unhappy and ‘had one foot out the door’. Back then I thought that this was a phase and didn’t have a clue that there were real problems in our marriage. We have been married for 17 years this spring, started dating 23+ years ago with a couple of break ups when I went away to college 20+ years ago and now we have two boys 10 & 13. Wife stayed at home and work consulting during the younger years to keep them out of daycare. Once the children were in school, Wife went back to work and her career has blossomed. Over the years, we stopped putting each other first (BOTH OF US). Kids, careers, Coaching the kids sports, everything else came first. I realized how little I was cherishing her, how little I was showing her that she was the most important person in my life.
About 3 years ago, we went to IC & MC to try to figure out what was wrong and we ended it smiles and happy…or so I thought.. After a year I got more of the unhappiness and wanting to leave talks. I did the normal ‘re-energized husband’ route and focused ALL of my efforts on the family and on her. I did all of the chores, blah-blah-blah. Little did I know the damage I was doing.  I started to see IC again, but I kept focusing on her. It wasn’t until about 6 months ago, on my own that I really started digging into my own self and realizing how undesirable I had really become. A week, clingy, needy, homebody that catered, begged, pouted and cried. Our sex life is non-existent, we went from a couple of times a week to now…once in the last 8 months and going on twice in the last year. I stopped seeing my IC, she was not helping me, let alone my marriage. This has affected me greatly. That and not having my best friend even want to talk to me anymore was crippling me.
My wife had pulled away the more I pushed and tried to hold on. I started to realize how much my behavior was blame for some of this. I started reading everything I could (lots of good and lots of really bad information out there). It took me a long time to dig myself out of this deep hole that I was in. grumpy, grouchy, get upset all the time. I have seen how poisonous this behavior was. I had seen how my negativity had begun to ruin my life and my family. I started to accept what I had become and really adopted a positive mental attitude. Started to work less, focus on me. Many of the tools in the DivorceRemedy book I had kinda stumbled on myself…pulling back, validating, listening. These were reinforced with the book once I finally found this website. I have adopted some 180’s & GAL (Listen – really listen when W speaks, Thanking her / showing appreciation for little things, finish projects when I start, trying to be more honest with myself and thus others about my desires/wants, stop being a perfectionist, stop trying to control outcomes, giving her space, trying to do less for her, started guitar lessons, started back exercising lots and swimming a couple times a week, joined a gaming group once-twice a month). She has been working longer hours and is 1.5 years into going back to get her bachelor’s degree so she has been very busy at home and in her office. I have been trying to Detach myself. This was not easy. But I’ve been moderately successful and not trying to solve her problems, just listen. Or when she had a bad day, not react. If she was fighting with the kids, try to support her position instead of showing any signs of dissent or disagreement. Make sure I didn’t show here if I was upset about something…it was held in and cried out later.
I thought things were actually getting better. She was talking to me about daily stuff, normal stuff. She was acting more comfortable around me asked me for help with things. Was doing little things for me, buying me silly gifts…even an awesome Xmas present (first REAL gift I had gotten from here in years). She wasn’t Cringing when I would walk past her. She started to hold me in bed. Joking with me. Kissing me. Hugging me. We even made love at the end of January…over six months since the last time. I had started feeling wanted again…it had been years since I felt that way. These were many of my ‘relationship goals’ that I had set so it has been felt very positive. Last night we were talking in the kitchen and she opened up kinda out of nowhere (said, I know you have wanted to talk, so…) about how she is not sure of who she really is and how she doesn’t like a lot of what she sees in herself. She said that she is upset that we live so far away from her family and that she is disappointed in herself that she never really forged any real friendships were we live and let die those other friendships she once had. She was upset that she never got involved in any sort of politics, community stuff or school boards (stuff she thought about when she was younger). She said that she felt very constrained that we were too close sometimes and she never got a chance to be her own person when she was younger (2 years away at college was all). We share everything. She even mentioned joint email account and how she never was financially independent. I know that she had held onto resentment from past issues (we’d talked before in MC about how upset that she felt she was forced into signing papers for my Vasectomy and into house renovation instead of moving). She is also said that she has had space issues with me and the kids. In the past she has said that she hates the way she looks (her exact word was ‘disgusting’ but she we has been overweight, although we have been going to the gym together and separate and eating better – losing weight and feeling healthier)...i have never seen the ugly that she professes.
The entire time I tried to Validate her talking, no crying, no pushing for information she didn’t want to give. I know it wasn’t perfect with some of my responses or questions, but it was by far my best attempt. At the end she said that I should not worry about it, that it was nothing and that she is trying to work things out. I did ask about to see if it would be worth it for her to go and speak with a councilor ( I found one that is much better solution orientated and I went to see him last week) and she said it probably wasn’t worth it. I am not sure if this is a good sign that she is starting to leave the fog or if this is just another, bigger cavern that we are entering in together. I don’t want to show her how much it hurt me to think that maybe things aren’t going well after all.
I have been trying to hold onto this for so long, but I needed to vent. Needed to share with someone, cause I cannot lay my fear and sadness on her feet. Clearly I am not fully detached and am still trying to figure out how to completely drop the rope. I have felt so alone for so long that It is not hard to slip back into the Pursuer Mode when W has shown appreciation for the things i do and positive affectionate behavior towards me. Baby Steps.
Thanks all for listening / reading. i know that i've learned so much from you all already over the last several months from reading your insightful posts and heartfelt testimonies.
