Zelda - I want it all, all right now.

[Zelda09]

Float, nice hard questions there.

The oxy became a non-concern when we hashed it out with our MC and she agreed that 5mg as prescribed, and has been monitored with pain management was probably not in the realm of concern. I agreed to let it go for a few months and stop asking him every day how much he'd taken.

My H has never wanted this M, in any active way, but then again he's never wanted anything. This isn't me mind reading, this is what he tells me. (Well, he hasn't said as much about the marriage, only in anger.) So, I think the answer is yes - he thrives in a very co-dependent way on 'making me happy' as long as there is not expectations or responsibility involved on his part. He likes to bake and feed me, and encourage me to keep working hard, brag to everyone how proud of me he is. And for a week or two, answered my call for help with the housework.

I feel manipulated. I feel bullied. I feel crazy that I can't say something directly - not in a tempermental way either, without him coming back with, "I hope you're not trying to do this or that by saying xyz..." So I STFU like a good little girl and hate myself for it.

There's been a couple of times now he's called me passive aggressive which is the most confusing thing because I am just making statements at that point. He twists and turns and splits hairs until I think I'm going to go nuts.

I am trying to get up the courage to ask for a D. This has been like this for years, and he's done a great job of keeping me in the game, and I'm glad I had the chance to look at me and my contributions in all of this. But I am miserable. The violence the other night, it's just too much.

I am trying to imagine life without our dog, and if he's going to try for the house. The dog is the hardest. I laid in bed last night trying to imagine how I'd feel when he starts dating again - or how I'd feel trying to date again and hope fading for my ovaries. You know what's not awesome? A mid-30s woman desperately seeking to mate. It's funny, ever since I was 12 I imagined myself happy and alone. It wasn't util I met him that picture changed for me. In the middle of our fights he'll sometimes say, Z, I'm not your dad. But what does it matter if I end up feeling the same way I did years ago? At least my father was a provider.

I am amazed I held down my job, the big stressful one, and still found the energy to show up for the hobby-jobs during those 3 months he left me. I feel weak, depressed, and crazy now and can't imagine how I am going to hold it together for another round if I choose to start the D proceedings.

I feel ready to make this decision because I am out of hope that he will ever step out of man-chid-victim mindset. I believe he wants to, I believe he's a good person, but life is short. I'm going to see if our MC can talk with me today.