Well koalada it sounds that you are dealing with things very smartly and really detaching. Most of the fears you discussed I share, every time I detach and there isn't a response I fear that I am loosing her more and more... However I have realised two things in the last few days..
1)My fear, came from a loss of control 2)The detaching will help me, even if it doesn't help the R
I guess the hardest step for me, and one I have been saying for ages but only just started to believe is that I need to focus on making myself happy. As ultimately that will decide wether she returns to the R or not. But also will prepare me for any eventuality.
I realise this is more easily said than done, and god knows I cry at times. The injustice of it all seems too much to bare and the temptation for self pity is great. I hope that with my therapy and following the advice of the books and on here I can really move forwards. I am therefore certain you can too! I wish you the best of luck and will keep an eye on your updates. Sometimes it's easier reading others problems than listening to peoples attempts to help.
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Dtrmrd:I think the best way to deal with it is to see the opportunities of the situation. Since I am detached it is easier. In one book I have read, "don't attach your decisions to the outcome". That really helps me. If she would ask me to move back, I would not do it at the moment. I can see small changes in my thinking and in my attitude and never again I want to be attached to any person as I was the last years. I regain my boundaries, get a new sense for my needs and responsibilities. And that feels good. A few weeks ago I could not understand what it ment, that my wife is giving me the gift of time. Now I got a first idea that this is no longer only about reconciliation with her but first and foremost about a reconciliation with myself.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
Sandi, Starsky talks about 4 stages of remorse in a WW (wish I could find the thread). My W could never make it past stage 3: I know I did something wrong, but what's the big deal? Why can't you just get over it. She progressed from there to putting all the blame on me. My question, and I think this will be helpful to koalada, is what, if anything, to do about it? Is this a time for setting boundaries? If this is an angry person, how do you set boundaries? My W is not angry; just passive and avoidant. I think Koalada is up against something worse. Any practical advice?
Are you speaking of the timing of when to set the boundary, or are you asking about a boundary regarding her anger?
She is free to feel whatever she wants, but the boundary would be directed to how she treats you due to her anger.
For example, if I were the LBH, I would not tolerate a WW screaming, cursing, etc., at me, b/c it is a show of disrespect. She can "feel" whatever, but she's not going to get in my face about it. You can't just stand there and be her whipping post while she lashes out.
I don't think a man should ever just stand there and take it while a woman chews him up & spits him out. And never allow her to disrespect him in front of the children. Never! It is a personal and emotional attack on him. Sometimes, it becomes physical. If she is out of control, he needs to either take charge of the situation (if he can) or get away from it. I would definitely have a boundary about any of that type behavior being displayed.
Working through the stages of remorse is tough b/c of the anger she has toward her H. The anger started a long time before she became wayward. It is really hard for her to just drop it and forgive. It's like she wants to keep that anger burning and not put it out.
If a woman, like your W seems to want to settle things by putting all the blame at your feet....and move on from there, she's really simply refusing to take full responsibility for the terrible damage she's caused. It is much easier to label it as your fault, push it back and try to act as if that is the end of it. Only, we know it's not the end of it. It's like trying to hide a demon!
The passive woman who wants the H to just not make a big deal out of it and move on......that's the one that is hard to crack, IMHO. Maybe b/c it is hard to know if she's really dealing with the remorse stages (as well as other things), or not. Personally, I believe it is unwise for the H to accept her terms (to just forget it and move on) in the M. He should tell her it's not that simple, and then if he has his own terms, he can state it. It may be for them to attend therapy in that specific area. If he just goes with the flow in order to keep the M together, it's the same as rug sweeping and her silent anger continues to grow. The blame she is aiming at you must be resolved, if either of you are going to be happy with each other again. There again, you can't make her do any of it.
Sometimes it is a matter of time and the WW doing the internal work within her own heart/soul. However, if she acts as if she has simply "dismissed" it and refuses to work with you or see a professional to resolve the issues that still exists, then you have the decision to either go along with her and accept that she may never take responsibility and feel complete remorse......or you can take action to not live with her. You can't force someone to change their way of thinking/feeling.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I need to detach more. Today I needed to stay quiet long in the house. And everyone behaved as everything was totally normal. No yelling, no anger, just normality. And that was disgusting. We behaved like a normal couple, just without any physical contact. There is this huge elephant in the house but we just ignore it. So I can be part of the household without being the husband? A kind of uncle or old friend? I'd rather drop dead than let this happen.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
The passive woman who wants the H to just not make a big deal out of it and move on......that's the one that is hard to crack, IMHO. Maybe b/c it is hard to know if she's really dealing with the remorse stages (as well as other things), or not.
I agree wholeheartedly. I have no idea where my W stands because she is passive and avoidant about everything. Frankly, I no longer care where she stands. If she wanted to R, she would make it clear and it would be obvious.
Originally Posted By: koalada
I need to detach more. Today I needed to stay quiet long in the house. And everyone behaved as everything was totally normal. No yelling, no anger, just normality. And that was disgusting. We behaved like a normal couple, just without any physical contact. There is this huge elephant in the house but we just ignore it. So I can be part of the household without being the husband? A kind of uncle or old friend? I'd rather drop dead than let this happen.
My house has been like that for months. It is obviously not a normal state of affairs (sorry for the pun, really), but don't over-analyze it. You are not ignoring it. You are dealing with it in the most civil way possible: You are consciously not becoming bitter about it. That is not ignoring it; that is addressing it - head on! Shouting or fighting would make you feel better in the short term, but would worsen your sitch and your relationship with your children. You are rising above it. That is the most masculine and fatherly thing you can do. You cannot do anything more about it at the moment. So cherish the time with your children. Stop focusing on whether you are a husband, uncle, father, or friend. When you are at your house, just be in the moment. Smile a lot. I am getting quite good at this.
My wife asked me if I could name fix days of the week for the time with the children. Her argument is that S10 could handle it better this way. Although I do my best, it is difficult not to start thinking about her motives. I'd rather see the children whenever possible and not on fix days. It makes me angry and sad, because this mess would have been avoidable. Whenever she's been to the therapist she is "stabilized" again.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
W sends emails, complaining about small stuff. I should use a specific color if I write in the calendar and tell her when I use the calendar. Although I thought I would be fine, my emotions are quiet sore right now. Did you experience nagging about small stuff? I know that I should not be dependable on her moods but that is easier said than done. To apply all the knowledge in real life seems to take a lot of time and patience.
Last edited by koalada; 03/20/1507:59 AM.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
