Oh, it's not, which is what made it a stupid boundary to attempt to set. That "boundary" is instead just going to serve to soothe my own peace of mind, so that I feel comfortable and confident in withdrawing from her when she stays out with OM until 2am (instead of frustrated and needy).
Last week, I used meetup.com every night to go out and do things-- and I had a great time, each time, but then I got home every single night to discover an empty apartment: she had stayed out even later with OM. In a way this was a good thing because it made me realize how much of my motivation had been hoping that she would miss me-- obviously she didn't care. I'm still looking for events to go to, but now I know that there's only one reason to go, and that's for me to have a good time.
Actually there is a second reason-- detachment. Last night I taught my acting class, and this is something I do extremely well. So I had a whole room full of people who were admiring me and appreciating what I was able to do for them. And even though I remembered W and my sitch while I was there in knowing that I would not be able to come home and share my triumphant experience, by the time I was done I was again "bulletproof".
I mean, it's more than pathetic what I had devolved into because of my reaction to this A. That wasn't me; that's not who I am. And who I am is someone who can look at this situation from a detached perspective and say "what a stupid thing to be happening!" and shrug, and shake my head in disbelief, and get on with my business.
I got hold of the "Five Love Languages" book by that Chapman guy. Reading it makes obvious what I was saying in an earlier post. My language is "Words of Affirmation"-- I've never needed anything more than to be told I am loved-- and W's is and always has been "Quality Time".
Knowing this makes it transparently obvious why she adores OM. She has specifically said that she loves the fact that when she wants to sign up for an athletic event, or go shopping, he is happy to do that with her. And, of course, she has his undivided attention every moment of every day of the week, especially when they spend 15-hour days together. If what turns her on and makes her feel loved is quality time together, she's getting more from him now than she ever did from me.
During the MC session last night I backed off from my not-a-boundary, indicating that of course she can't be expected to keep track of my schedule. I also took the occasion during the session to mention, not the "Love Languages" book specifically, but my discovery that failing to provide quality time to my partners is what sank every one of my romantic relationships but one. Naturally she must have thought that my mentioning it was some kind of ploy to change her mind-- her body language communicated suspicion and hostility-- but she gamely confirmed that I was not mistaken to think that this has always been her primary frustration and was the key element of our M breakdown.
Having the not-a-boundary conversation, and subsequently the acting class, has definitely helped throw me into a more stable and confident place. I seem to find myself able, in the main, to displace my feelings about her rotten behavior into the double basin of "she knows not what she does" and "this has nothing to do with me". The general problem I'm having is that whenever I'm not specifically attending to my job hunt, I immediately get smacked by intrusive thoughts about this situation and how I'd like to resolve it, and I then keep obsessing and ruminating over those thoughts, which makes it difficult to focus on the writing and activities I need to do for my job hunt.
During the MC session last night I backed off from my not-a-boundary, indicating that of course she can't be expected to keep track of my schedule. I also took the occasion during the session to mention, not the "Love Languages" book specifically, but my discovery that failing to provide quality time to my partners is what sank every one of my romantic relationships but one. Naturally she must have thought that my mentioning it was some kind of ploy to change her mind-- her body language communicated suspicion and hostility-- but she gamely confirmed that I was not mistaken to think that this has always been her primary frustration and was the key element of our M breakdown.
I can see why she could think it was a ploy to change her mind. IMHO, what you read or learn should be kept to yourself for the time being, b/c it acts similar to you giving her books on M to read. She is immediately defensive. No matter what your intent, it's lost the second she goes into suspicion and hostility.
Why are you two in MC? I know why you want to be in MC, but why is she there?
What do you mean when you said you "backed off from your not-a-boundary"?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The "not-a-boundary" was the conversation we had on Saturday for which I was pilloried here-- I had hoped that she would stop leaving me home alone. But obviously, I can't control that, and (as you yourself pointed out) I don't have any significant consequence that I want yet to enact in response to that behavior. So during the MC session I said that I would not expect W to keep track of my schedule, implying that she might as well stay out. And because of Sunday's meetup with the midlife-dating group, and Monday's successful acting class, by Tuesday's MC session I was actually in a good mood and felt that I would no longer be bothered by finding myself at home alone. This being Wednesday, I will find out soon enough whether I am correct to think so.
I confess I'm not exactly sure why W is still amenable to MC. It is serving a function-- W and I have agreed that we will only talk about R in MC, and except for that not-a-boundary conversation (provoked by W's insistent demand that I explain why I wasn't talking to her) we're essentially sticking to that. But we don't have much to say to each other right now. So it may be that in a week or two she'll suggest that we skip sessions until the 2-month deadline we've given ourselves to start talking about D again. [Although I expect that, two weeks from now, I will want to address the camping trip, because that would happen four weeks from now if it did.]
Have you told MC that W is having an affair with OM and that is something that's completely inappropriate and disrespectful. Have you? That is a boundary for you: not having a third party in the M.
I want to circle back to you on this comment of yours:
Originally Posted By: sadpand
I had hoped that she would stop leaving me home alone
Why is she responsible for your own happiness?!!! That is too big of a burden for anyone to carry. You sound like a Sad Sack sitting at home waiting for things to happen and moaning that she's leaving you home alone. A very UNattractive quality in a man.
Just get up and get out of the house. Fill up your own dance card with your own interests without waiting around for W.
Yes, being a sad sack is exactly what I was doing-- which is why I backed off from it. (I've also changed by online nick here from "sadpand" to "newpand" but I think that has to go through moderation before it appears.)
And yes, it is obvious to me, and you, and the MC that it is inappropriate and disrespectful for W to carry on an A during the marriage. But it has also become clear that I am not prepared to enact difficult consequences to set that boundary. This actually is a dual matter of practicality and pride: Practical, because I can't afford the mortgage if W moves out. Pride, because although my mother has said, weeks ago, that she would co-sign the refinancing and cover the mortgage while I job-hunt, just to get W the heck out of there, I would much rather get a job first and stand on my own two feet.
So when I feel the pain, distress, and loneliness of the A, I can feel that as motivation to get a freakin' jorb.
