Just realised wife of 12 years is having a MLC

[Detrmnd]

Hi all,

I realise I have been away a long time. I guess I was just to upset and grieving my relationship to face facts. Also I think I wanted to believe that I was some exceptional super hero. In the last five weeks I think I have done everything wrong that I could have done. I have enabled cake eating, I have been needy, desperate to spend any moment with her. This was made worse by moving house and the time together this necessitated while we packed, moved and unpacked. I thought I had read the book, read a lot on here and could create my own program.... I WAS WRONG.

I started therapy (CBT) a couple of weeks ago and am still on anti-depressants/anxiety (sertraline 100mg/day). Since then I have been getting a little stronger each day. I'm not afraid to tell you that the first 7-8 weeks broke me, I thought dark thoughts and felt stuck at the bottom of a well with no way out. I was completely addicted to my wife, when she was away or I was not able to see her I suffered terrible worst case scenario thinking and drove myself half crazy...

So firstly I want to apologise for not updating things, for not listening and for not applying the principles honestly. I just beg all of your forgiveness that you may still be willing to help me, now that I feel in a mentally strong enough place to move forward implementing things.

So my current sitch.

I am living at my mothers house Monday to Friday night. The kids come here on a Wednesday, I take son to scouts, then collect him and take all 3 home. Then Saturday afternoon I go to the house and stay there till Monday morning. I also work Tuesday - Friday away in Germany every other week. My wife is still with the OM and spends every weekend at his house. She still refuses to call it an affair or relationship and says it gives her space and freedom. She says she is just having fun and needs the space to relax away from me and the children and has no-where else to go.

I have broken every rule, even going so far as talking to my wife and breaking down to her about my therapy. In reality I just hoped that it would elicit sympathy, Last week I was in Germany. My therapist set me a homework to only speak to her once a day for ten minutes at an arranged time. This really helped and is the first time I have detached at all. I was happy with my weeks work. However I called Saturday morning to arrange the swap over and she was angry... Turn out that she had finally spoken to her Father, who she respects very much. She had previously told him nothing and avoided speaking to him since this all started some two months ago. I had spoken to him 5 weeks ago at almost my lowest ebb. I was desperate, and I told him everything. He asked me to tell her I had spoken to him but that the details of the conversation would stay between us, he suggested that she needed therapy and agreed her actions were out of character. I told her I had spoken to him about my issues and informed him, that was that. Turns out Friday night she finally spoke with him, I have no idea who called who. She says he told her everything that I had said, now firstly I am very hurt. Secondly I told no lies, thirdly I just want to call him to ask what was discussed?!

Next, I have been very low and a fair bit angry, I also agreed to go on a date with a girl friday night. Of course I bumped into a former colleague of the W, she asked where W was and it was very awkward. I confessed that we were separated and that I was on a date. This woman was very drunk and really pushed me for the reason why, I keep repeating "ask W it's not my place to say" till I was blue in the face. Eventually she started saying I should be at home working on it... I lost my temper and said "well I'm not the one who started an affair with a f**ing 25yr old window cleaner from essex!". She said she wouldn't say anything and it was our business. Of course She text W first thing saturday morning to ask what was going on and to arrange to meet for coffee. W asked me why I had told the friend we were separated and what I had told her... I said I had told her nothing bar that we were separated, but that I was out on a date and had no choice but to say something! W is meeting this friend today for coffee so I am now sitting here wondering what will be the next level of awfulness/anger opened up to me.

Since then she is almost avoiding seeing me at all, I had to go to the house this morning to collect my medication I had forgotten there, she stayed up in her room speaking to me through the door. I rang before visiting and asked if I should go round when she was out or in. She refused to answer the question but said, that as I am meant to take them in the morning I should come round now... I just collected meds, tried to engage her in conversation, asked what was wrong and said I would speak to her tonight. her reply was "If thats what your therapist thinks you should do". She seems not angry just very detached, and giving me the bare minimum of civil conversation.

I have no reason to see her all week, but we are meant to be going to a dinner party friday night with our old neighbours that has been arranged for weeks. I am not sure if we should go or not.

I am finally starting to get a handle on the detaching but am worried it is making it easier for her to leave. I assume that I should stop talking to this other woman, I think part of me wanted to feel better about myself. I think also I wanted the wife to know, and see how she felt... perhaps I just wanted to see if I could hurt her...

I realise I have broken every DB rule out there and that I am a moron. I have though implemented several 180's and am working hard to G&L. I think a lot of the early things have since been undermined or written off as craziness on my part. I finally feel that I am able to detach a little, and each day will get easier and easier.

I also feel that I am perhaps starting to become mentally strong enough to actually follow through with the DB plan... That's if it is not too late. I promise to update daily from now on.

So I beg your forgiveness and implore you to help and tell me what to do next! Have I broken things beyond repair now? Should I just go back to 180's and G&L? Is it last resort time?

Thanks for reading, and I hope you can forgive me for thinking I knew best...

Dtrmnd