I thought everything was okay....(Part 4)

[PatientMan]

I'm in the crowd of LBH who are experimenting with flirting and have even been advocating it on other sitches. It came from my IC who's observing that I hang on to a person who has unequivocally withdrawn her love from me to give it to someone else. Why is it that I find all sorts of excuses to say that I'll go back to her, that I need to be faithful to her?

Did you vow to be faithful to her? Are you still married? I'm not sure what's confusing about that.

I don't know...perhaps you may be confused on this because SHE is breaking her own marital covenant vows. What may be happening, though, is you are focusing on moving on/settling the score/having fun/playing the "if she did it, then I can do it too" game.

And while you are focused on that you have lost sight of something entirely more important: you ought to be a man who does what he says and stays true to his word. There is no one on this earth who should have the ability to change that.

Do you want to be an attractive male? Start off by understanding what your core convictions really are, and then stand firm in them no matter what...even if a loved one treats you poorly. That is STRENGTH, and strength is attractive.

He's making me think about my hidden reasons and one of them is a fear of women, of rejection. I need to test whether I want to reconcile with my WAW because I lack confidence with other women or only because I truly love her.

Those two are not mutually exclusive.

Furthermore, if you're experimenting with this idea, why are you advocating it? The fact that you are experimenting means you don't know what the results or consequences will be. This is irresponsible.

TLEE86, I think this may apply to you especially as you find your WAW so attractive and probably doubt that you'll ever do as well, so you shouldn't let her go. This is your insecurities, not true love. Realize that beyond her beauty and inner glow, she's also the person who's giving you all this pain and it should count in your assessment of her as a life partner.

Agreed.

I'll be blunt: another reason why I flirt is that I hardly see myself going back with WAW without having had my fun too (yes, sex). WAW left with another man and a few weeks or months later, moved in with him. Pardon me if I'm crude, but I just know that they had intense and amazing sex for months, like any new, loving relationships do. I can't bear the thought of her coming back and me having waited on the side like a good boy while she had a romantic/sex vacation. Look around at the anger of LBH at the unfairness of their sitches (Maybell, Foolish): it is a very powerful and destructive feeling. Remaining faithful during this period will keep my resentment too high for a long lasting reconciliation. That's my theory. In 2009 when she cheated on my (slept twice with a colleague), she offered me to have a "pass" and I turned it down because I didn't want it and I didn't want to threaten our relationship with unexpected reactions. So it's not like I crave to sleep with other women, but the circumstances are what they are.

And when you think long and hard about it, that seems to you like a path to a healthy reconciliation, relational restoration, and the foundation for a thriving marriage?

-PM