Hi Little, Happy Birthday. Try not to focus on your sitch today...it's YOUR day to shine.
If I could just pick up on the "soulmate" comment.
You will NOT be able to detach properly so long as you think of H in that way. I used to believe my W was my soulmate too, but not any more. That's not me being bitter, it's me trying to tell you that that if your H were truly your soulmate, you wouldn't be here now. Maybe there's no such thing as soulmates at all and we convince ourselves there is to feel closer to our spouses. Or maybe they are real and we just haven't met them yet..IDK.
It takes time (and considerable effort) to really detach... to consciously decide that you can't/won't feel the same amount of pain. It WILL be painful, but try your best to dull it down to a manageable level.
Keep on keeping on and you'll get there ok.
NOW...ENJOY YOUR BIRTHDAY!!
Barry.
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Hapy Birthday Little, it's YOUR day. Don't hand it over to XBF.
If I can chime in on soulmates, I believe we have them, I just don't believe that there's only one. I try to look at things big picture; if W isn't my soulmate, that's just one person. There are many others out there who would gladly take the job. Same goes for you, Little.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
I read a novel a few months ago about the reincarnation of Anne Boleyn (2nd wife of Henry VIII, who he beheaded) and it talked about the soul family as being a group of people who were accustomed to one another and kept encountering one another in different arrangements in order to work out their failings with one another over and over again. It wasn't about the ease and quality of the relationship so much as it was about the lessons each party drew from it. In the novel, Anne actually had two love interest soul mates -- Henry VIII and also Henry Percy (this is a well-known part of her history).
It's worth repeating that Henry VIII has Anne BEHEADED... and she goes on in her next life to fall in love with him all over again.
I tell you about this novel to suggest that, as Rzrback said, even if your XBF was your soul mate (which you can't really know), that doesn't mean you can't know love from one of your other soul family members. And also, if he was your soul mate, you were meant to learn something from this experience, to strengthen and improve you.
And look at the bright side -- he didn't behead you!!!
Laugh today, and happy belated birthday, Little.
Last edited by Maybell; 03/17/1511:52 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I agree with Maybell's post. I feel like soul mates are people that we connect with on levels that other relationships just can't match. That doesn't mean they're upstanding people every time we encounter them.
Yesterday I stayed in bed until 2pm and then went out to my second mom's house for some cake and food. We made naughty/adult cat toys for my herd (of three) with her sewing machine and a big ole bag of cat nip. I'm talking a pink felt penis stuffed with it, with feathers for the body hair. It was a ton of fun and there was lots of laughing.
I don't know where I am in this journey of mine. I'm just trying to float to shore and sometimes I get sucked back into the deep water.
Le sigh.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Doing some thinking today about how I loved xBF, but didn't feel cherished or taken care of by him.
He sort of put me in the position of having to be a mother figure (due to his complete lack of responsibility) while simultaneously being bitter about it, as though it were intentional on my part.
Next time around, I'm going to find someone that puts as much care into ME as I put into them.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Hi Little, nice to hear from you. Just a couple of comments from me on your post above...
What were your responsibilities here? You sound as though this was all 'done' to you -
he "put me in the position of having to be..." "due to his complete lack of responsibility"
Did you have to become 'mother?' You say it happened unintentionally....
I have read some stuff on other sitches and this resonates with them...Labug is one I think. This theme about how much responsibility you take on 'for' others. I think this is yours to own, but from your post above I think you're pushing that on to H. Yes, he may have had a part in this, but what was your part?
You also say he became bitter about it. So, what did becoming 'Mum' to him do for the dynamics of your R?
I hope this is useful, and I'm not trying to poke at you, only to help. I think there was a lot in those few sentences to maybe ponder some more over.
Hope you are still enjoying your new place, and reading some great books...:-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
And also, if he was your soul mate, you were meant to learn something from this experience, to strengthen and improve you.