Z

What has happened is that you have broken the cycle in the abuse phase.

I suspect H will find that difficult and uncomfortable and not know what to do with the change. The cycle is interrupted at this point.

Hence the silent treatment, cold shoulder and possibly "looks could kill". After my H went on his golf weekend he came back and immediately the criticisms and abuse started about not cleaning the fridge and finishing the ironing. I decided no more abuse, said so, then texted, went to the police etc. In the interim H started with the silent treatment and ironed only his own clothes, there was fridge door banging etc. I left and did not go back. I am still getting the silent treatment, next phase will be concern etc, H will want to return to the cycle. Counsellors say keep up the boundary and no rewarding of what should be ordinary day to day behaviour in a spouse. Keeping the cycle broken is key to stopping the abuse.

If you continue to keep "cool" and detached (no flooding), you may be accused of being disinterested in Hs pain. I add warmth to my voice and project love from my tummy and keep the questions open. Be clear in your boundary too, friend Al insists on friend style communications. The more detached I was the easier it became. My aim is to stop the abuse, H is responsible for sorting his own head out and playing in his own sandbox. How a 59 year old man grows up is his choice, he should no longer blame his parents etc. H has been his own appropriate adult since he was 19 and left home, that is 40 years of parenting himself. Sadly Al seems to feel my position in the master talk is the most difficult to lead from and recover. luckily I have been a friend position in most of my Rs and that is uncomfortable for me too. As a passive master, you can be more proactive.

Keep posting Z, And I will share as much as I can.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 03/17/15 07:46 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW