Complex No. 6 - The turtle and the rabbit

[Complex]

Not sure what the goal of ^^^ this is. No offense Complex, but you are mostly stating the obvious. ---

Are you just restating that you "value" your vows to make the point that she must not?

I can't say if that is even true, but I can say that it won't help for you to suggest it.

What do you really want her to know, now? What is it you want to say to her?



Well, that is a very good question. I want her to understand me and the works of my soul too. Because there is so much more to it than she might think. I am a person with a vision, but struggle to follow through, because I never felt I have a reason to, never had enough energy. But I came to humongous realizations what love means, what she means to me, what live means, what being myself means and what it means to let her be herself and support her. I am more motivated than ever to build a great life. I understand her better than ever ever before. I just maybe cannot express myself well enough.
"Simplified": I want her to see and understand that our dreams and hopes and fears match greatly. That we are very similar human beings and that I understand her, want to support us and her and let her be herself so she can thrive and grow as a person while I will do the same and we can be the strong couple and team we both desire.


But again, it's NOT words she needs from you. It is new/different behavior.

Otherwise, she has No reason to believe that marriage to you now, would be any better or different than before.

And before, was NOT enough for her so she wanted out (AND you now admit it was not a deep marriage for you either.)

So you both want a deeper marriage now. She does not believe you are capable of that with her.

So what are you DOING (not just saying) that would show her - you/marriage can be deeper?

Because no one returns to marriage they left, unless they believe it can be better/different than before.


Now this also is not easy to answer. I do a lot of things, mostly for myself right now. Which means I am building myself a life and getting rid of the dependency I have on her. To release her from the pressure of that. That we can also have an equal level of education and success at some point. Something that will connect us in the very long term. Because we both have the same idea. We want to do GOOD things, help people. I want to teach, I have the idea of going abroad one day, do some third world development volunteer work. This is one of her dreams too as a nurse. I event want to build a foundation one day, helping children in poor countries.
OK I got side tracked, so
a) I loosen myself from dependency, strengthen myself so I can also be a strong partner
b) I am listening and validating much better, sincerely
c) I let her be herself more

I don't really know what else I could do in my position. Any attempt of connecting to her through daily communication or even many of my actions are still seen as pursuing.
And my career steps are slow, this isn't happening fast and she wants to break lose, being able to breathe again. I can see how draining it is for her.
Suggestions?

Another thing: We switch bedrooms every week, so it's fair, because the guest bed isn't as comfy. She is very stressed by the living situation (without judging if that is the right thing or not, because many here would say that she is free to leave if she is stressed out right? but it is not that black and white as we discovered). So I got a mattress topper for the guest bed and it's really comfy now and I told her yesterday I will give the living situation a thought if I might just stay in my office room. So tomorrow I wanted to take a step towards her and suggest some improvements in our situation, splitting rooms, maybe moving some cloths so I don't need to walk in the other room all the time etc. I feel good about the decision. It's mature and takes the high road and more beneficial than harming. What do you think?