Just a quick update: If you've followed my sitch you know that the parenting schedule has always been a bit of a sore spot. During our M, I was always the 'default' caregiver. (H could simply say, "I'm going to be a bit late tonight", and while he didn't do this *too* often, it was definitely different than my schedule or ability to make last minute plans. I take a lot of responsibility-- as a working mom, I was reluctant to have my daughter stay with a sitter more than she already was. So, I hardly ever went out.
But on top of that, if there was ever a conflict between me and H, I was almost always the one to back out of my plans... and then, of course, resent him for it.
Anyway, there is some good news to share: H has requested two schedule changes recently-- both of which I was unavailable to help him with. So, he had to find a babysitter and figure out a way to make it work if he wanted to keep his plans. (You know, the thing that I always have to do, since he's often unavailable to make changes for me!) I didn't feel guilty, or debate whether I should try to accomodate him. I just said, "So sorry, I'm not available at that time."
If he chooses to hate or resent me for it...not my problem.
I'm feeling so much stronger and freer than before.
Good for you, Claire! I was always the default care giver, too, it was just understood by both of us that he was free to do whatever the heck he wanted and I did nothing without hiring a babysitter (so I didn't). Sounds ridiculous when I type it out, but that's the truth put into black and white. Glad you are standing up for you.
Me three. But yesterday I decided there was something I want to do on one of my weekends with the kids, so I said "I'm going to this. Do you want them or shall I get a sitter?" It felt strong to just announce a plan.
Of course he's going to push his decision to the last minute (I gave him a deadline of five days before my plan). But at least I laid out my space.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
WAH just emailed to say he is considering hiring an attorney-- not to be antagonistic, but to get the process moving along more quickly, and to be less involved in the process.
I'm not sure I'm the right one to answer this. I wanted you to feel heard.
Tonight, the thing that is helping me is to try to see him really clearly. Whatever good points he has are overshadowed for me by his behavior to our famIly. That can never be undone. My kids will always have lived through this experience. It can not be mended.
I can never change any of that. Not my missteps, not his. Is hating him who I want to be? not really. I'm angry now because he has thrown me into a really frustrating situation wrt housing that is entirely of his making. But ultimately this situation will resolve itself. And then what? I won't really have much to be angry about in the moment. Everything that really burns my candle will be past. The rest of it, as Labug likes to say, is just weather.
I say be specific about what you're angry about. Really specific. Journal it. Then think about how much of it is rooted in fear and then examine that fear. And what do you want your life to be like? In what ways will this ending free you?
But you have to go through the anger first.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Had he already indicated that was the direction he was going? I think I've read most if not all of your threads but don't recall if he ever actually said he was moving towards D.. or if this is the first real indication you got (and therefore why you hate him right now). If so, I'm sorry - that is an awkward and stomach-turning way to get that news on his "decision."
In practical terms - you could ask if he's planning to hire someone to just represent himself, or if this is someone that will mediate/be neutral in helping you come to an agreement. This helps you get the information you need to take appropriate next steps for you, and acknowledges you got the email.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I think a lot of my anger is at myself. I willfully ignored all the things that made me uneasy about him-- and there were quite a few-- because I thought that he was essentially a good man and I was lucky that he wanted to marry me. If I am honest with myself, I am not surprised that we are getting divorced.
I settled for someone who didn't really love me (or at least didn't love me the way I wanted to be loved) because I wanted to be married and have kids.
I do not want to be married to him. While there were many things about him that I loved and admired, there were also many things I felt like I didn't respect about him. Maybe that was because I didn't feel unconditionally loved by him.
A true 180 for me would be to tell him that I agree-- that I no longer want to be married to him -- and to take a more active role in the process.
What will I tell my daughter? Is my conscience clear? Did I try absolutely everything I could? I made so many mistakes. I didn't do a good enough job DBing because he doesn't feel like he's a fool to walk away.
Will I get to a point where I can wish him well? I have this vision in my head that he'll end up like his dad-- with a wife no one likes, who never connected with her step-children, and seemingly not a whole lot happier than he was, and that I'll end up like his mom, with a husband who adores her and loves her children like they were his own.
But that might not be how I end up. He may end up with someone fabulous, and I may end up alone. And maybe that is part of my fear-- that his view of himself and me (that I'm unloveable and he can do better) is right.
Oh boy. I'm falling off a cliff here. If I read this pity party on someone else's thread I would whack them on the head and tell them to GAL.
I want to send him to this site, but that would be such a waste because a) he would just think it's BS; and b) he doesn't want him and I certainly don't want to guilt him into working on the relationship.
Our WAS are so stuck in their ways and beliefs, and our entire culture feeds that belief. How does DBing work for anyone whose relationship is as far gone as mine?
Or, maybe another way I have to look at it now is that this is for the best. I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. But I can't think of anything else to say that helps me come to terms with this. If this is the man I married, if he doesn't love me, then it is for the best that I'm not married to him.
