Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

Had a good weekend and GAL with house and kids and friends and watching a little college basketball. This was the weekend that I know the XW and OM were out of town together, alone or for work it didn't really matter because I know they had dinner plans and theater tickets. I feared this weekend about a month ago, but when I came I noticed I didn't even think about it until Saturday night while laying in bed and even then I was able to put it out of my mind and fall asleep.

Little by little I am getting better.

Today I had an interesting interaction with the XW during and after our kid's first swim lesson.

Lately I have been treating her like a wayward wife, especially after reading Sandi's excellent thread about it. I truly believe this is who she is right now, even though we are D. So I have been less than warm to her, not really paying much attention to her or engaging in much of a conversation with her or starting any.

The last time I saw her for an extended amount of time was Sunday the 8th. I was loading stuff up and she kind of milled around; I think she was waiting for me to have some small talk with her.

During swim lessons she sat next to me and asked me a couple of questions and I talked a little with her but just kept my focus on my kids and didn't engage too much.

When it was over she asked if I wanted to go to dinner with them. I told her no thank you and went and got our oldest's backpack out of my truck and walked over and kiss and hugged the boys. She asked again "you don't want to go do dinner?" I said no, I have things to do. So she replied "Is this how this is going to be? You all stand offish?" I said I didn't know, I am just trying to wrap my head around this whole thing.

She seemed upset.

A part of me did want to go and a bigger part did not want to go. I wanted to because it would be enjoyable and fun and I love my boys.

I did not want to go because I am still upset with my XW and I also don't think my heart can take playing family by having dinner together. I am much too fragile and think I would take it as a sign that things may change and she still would have feelings for me.

To be honest I also feel that she wanted a D and this means we are no longer a family. I don't want to act like a family after she wanted to D. I feel like she would be doing some cake eating as I provided those wonderful family times together even though we are D.

This is the first invite like this I have turned down since BD in January of 2014.

So am I being a cold hearted bastard by being coldish to her and not being talkative with her? I assume this is just spew as she may have assumed that we could have fun family times together and our R would move from a loving married couple to a happy friendly divorced couple.

I don't want to be her friend. I am being friendly with her, but I do not think I can be her friend.

I am sure she will confront me on this at some point and my instinct is to tell her the truth. I would say "My heart is too fragile right now to be your friend, it would give me false hope that you would want a relationship with me. I need to protect myself from feeling this way."

I need some perspective on this from any and all.