I hope you didn't read that as snark. It wasn't intended to be. I honestly do think I need to start working on letting go more and releasing what was into the ether.
I was thinking back earlier today and another memory popped into my mind. He'd decided he wanted to do a year abroad in Australia but I was still in grad school with another year of classes to go. I asked him to wait the year till I finished the class work and he got very agitated. I suggested we go snuggle together to talk it through and he went, reluctantly, but when I tried gently to make my case for the extra year he got really angry and stood up and walked out, saying "Now I feel REALLY trapped." Of course I was really hurt (because at was such a serious thing to say) but when I tried to get him to explain himself he just shut down.
Looking back, it seems clear I should never have trusted my life to him. I think maybe he was pretty plain that although he said he loved me first, although he surprised me with the engagement ring, although it seemed like it was mutual agreement all along... Maybe it really wasn't. Like, maybe he wanted people to think of him as a grown up guy with a wife and everything, but really he never wanted anything more but for his glory days to stretch in forever.
I need to stop looking back. I never knew what I really wanted till now. Now I can see what I want very clearly, and it is within reach if I work at it. Marriage to STBX was apparently the proving ground for me to see myself a little more clearly.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
