Complex No. 6 - The turtle and the rabbit

[Complex]

I know all this^^^ hurts. I'm sorry for your pain.


I truly appreciate 25yr. That was a rough day but I have to say I am in a much better place than weeks ago. I catch myself much faster.


Still, I hope you can see that in HER WAY, she seems to be trying to be in "damage control" mode now. NOT B/c she feels shame, but b/c she feels sympathy for you. MOST WAS's DO NOT.


Maybe you should join her in the Damage Control mode...?


Very good observation. I am glad you pointed this out. It is important to know. I know she values me a lot, thinking in high terms of me.
HOW should I join her controlling damage? I don't know exactly what you mean.

I think she is sincere and I don't see any upside to you negating that. I think you are making it worse for yourself and certainly for her. Maybe obstructing her is your goal but I really don't see the benefit to it, (for YOU, let alone her).


THAT I thought was a great advice. Because I know she is sincere. Many times people advised me tho to not believe anything she is saying, but in my case that eventually hurt me more than it was beneficial. Because I lost a lot of trust between us. Yes, she did hide certain things but she hardly ever lied me in the face.
But I am still judging her and obstruct her behavior, although she is actually being pretty nice about things. Which is kind of scary because it shows how conscious she is about her decision and reasons to leave me that she doesn't see ANY sort of a chance for reconciliation and that our M could be better.
I will use this advice tho to understand her better. To understand "the works of her soul" better...that is what she told me once that she wants that from a partner.

So that is what SHE needs and wants right? Fair enough, who doesn't want that. But after all shouldn't we be aware of that his kind of thinking tends to be unrealistic "Disney"-Love...to some extend at least, I don't want to exaggerate this thought. Understanding the works of someone else's soul doesn't come over night either. It is also object/subject of work and time. None of my complaints change how she is thinking. Thoughts are free and to the people that think them, they are the truth. But maybe they are limited in the ability to see things from a different light?! Plus you need to be willing to let the other person into the works of your soul too by open heart. If you decide to work on your marriage, which is what we briefly did, her heart and soul was closed to me. I tried hard to understand her, get on a level with her. Maybe it was too forced, didn't feel natural enough, and as we all know women catch that very fast.
I don't want to get too philosophical, I just feel like her view is too one sided, obviously and there was never an open heart try. But you know what...maybe she IS right. We match in many many points, we could be the best couple ever, but then character wise there are definitely conflict points...or should I say there is something that just doesn't want to match. It is hard to describe. It could be that we maybe aren't meant to be or it could be a flaw in our characters that we didn't manage to overcome in our relationship.

I am a believer tho. I believe in our M, in us a people, that we have the ability to overcome our differences. But only with love and work on both sides. Both not equally given at this time.


IMO,< THIS^^^ is where you repeat your mistake & stay stuck...you condemn her and get yourself all worked up again,

even when she makes offers to your benefit, that almost no other Walkaway wife would...

Plus you end up sounding judgmental and you gloss over your part in this, again.

My question for you is, HOW does condemning and judging her, help you?


This part you commented I was pretty mad. The only benefit is actually a selfish one. It makes you (me), temporarily, feel better. I have to stop that, but sometime you just need to vent. I am trying to control myself as good as I can. In front of W I do not let my emotions flow like this anymore, I greatly improved with that.


Tell us, What has SHE SEEN from you that is different - and for how long? A week or a month? And what was it that was so new for you?

Most of my changes actually started after I hit rock bottom in January, twice in a row. After the second time, which was end of Jan I felt like I finally got my sh*t together. And since 3-4 weeks my meds are working better constantly. Since 1-2 weeks I feel like a different person. Not different actually, more like the OLD ME. SO YES, it's been very recent. But also very drastic.
- I am not complaining anymore, less grumpy, more positive, changed my attitude, less judgmental (maybe not towards W as you mentioned)
- I am working out again, very strict routine multiple times a week, with no exceptions! Gained some muscle. Eat much healthier (W comment 3 days ago: "Oh, so you are all healthy now, huh?")
- College going very well, I am very steady, have good grades/results, never miss class
- I get up in the morning, earlier than I used to, very constant
- I stopped snooping completely and stopped any forms of trying to control W
- I am listening better and validate
- My morals and values improved, I just feel like a better human being. I always was but maybe some of the developments came to fast for W to believe, so she might still think I am faking it to win her back...that might actually be valid for many of my improvements still, because they were very recent and some of them drastic.
And it will take more time for sure.

My W is smart, you know, I am sure she sees what I am doing better and she is probably happy for me. But like you said and I realized, all the above factors play more of a minor role in why W wants to leave. It all boils down to life-goals/career-thinking/spiritual compatibility for her IMO. And her mind is made up at this time. And as far as I, and everyone else, know her...she is a stubborn head And all this is serious live affecting stuff, and it will take a lot more than convincing. It is a major decision, she would basically have to marry me all over again.The step for reconciliation is humongous. After all MWD calls it a marathon. And I understand I have to do all this for myself too. Because I will benefit from it the rest of my life.


You can't determine that she must be a bad person b/c she does not want to be married to you WHILE you admit you did not live up to your promises or her expectations

and you admit on some days, that you did not live up to Your own expectations either.
I suggest you focus on making changes for yourself, while knowing that it's the only possible way to get thru to her anyhow. No more about how bad & wrong she is.

That^^ helps no one, including you.

I answered a lot of this in my evaluation above. But all I actually need to say to this is: Y E S ! You are right!


It's hard to be honest about this now, so I admire your candor. But you need to take a look at your admission. You were NOT in a deep loving marriage or one that connected at a level SHE needed...

"now" you feel you are ready for it. You have been married a few years and in those years, evidently, she felt lonely on a deep & spiritual level. The marriage was a shallow one for her and now, even you can see that.

Have you truly reflected on this?


I absolutely did. Very late in my sitch tho. But that is why I married her, right? And that is why I am here. To work through the issues, no matter how big they are. And I am willing to give my absolute best, which I am right now (ok we can ALWAYS do better...but you get the point). Our marriage deserves a chance to find out the truth, because the truth lies somewhere in the middle usually....EVERY marriage here deserves a second chance....it's M. I guess I stated the obvious again...like in the next paragraph

I will get back to this and answer the rest, and also the most important questions later, time passed too fast and I have to go to college