Trying to Follow DB & DR

[Miman2]

Thanks Mozz!

A key concept that a lot of newcomers don't seem to understand is time. When sandi2 tells you that it's going to take some time, how long do you think that is? You mention August as a deadline, which would give some 5 months to your sitch, making it almost a record-breaking short time. Let me jolt you a little: don't expect this to last less than a year. Prepare to spend next Christmas separated. I'm not exaggerating: go have a look at the success stories at the top of my thread and you'll see that they last at least a year. Yours has plenty of issues and it doesn't look like it can be quickly fixed.

Now try to envision what will happen in the coming year. Do this to prepare yourself. She will move out all of her stuff. She'll deepen her relationship with the OC. She'll move in August. She'll ask for a D, she'll get a lawyer and so will you. You might draft or even sign the D papers. Brace yourself. It's part of the process.

Realize that time is on your side. Right now, she's as far from you as she'll be in the coming year.

I realize the whole process takes time. I've read through the success stories and they all seem to take at least 2-3 years to work out. My issue is that I feel like once she moves that will be it. She's moving to Florida and I will be in Michigan. Game over. No chance at reconciliation whatsoever and the thought of spending the rest of my life without her scares the hell out of me. It drains me of any motivation to try and be anything at all, let alone a good husband.

Try to remember when you were newly in love. Did you care about your ex? What if your ex told you, in tears, that she loved you so much, that she wanted to "work" on things?

We were each other's firsts, so no ex's to speak of but I get your point.

This love triangle she got herself into sounds like a high wire act. I wonder if she likes both equally? There will be jealousy. She'll have only them so she might become a little smothering. Regardless, remember that the honeymoon phase doesn't last: it's a truth of the human condition.

She claims she does like them both equally, even though it didn't start out that way.

Do not waste any time: give her the impression that you're moving on ASAP. The earlier you do it, the more impact you'll have, the more doubts you'll give her.

On this topic, the messages that sandi2 wrote you are gold. Not every newcomer gets her attention on this board. Make sure you read them often. When you have a new question, go back to her posts to you and that of Cadet to look for answers.

Another concept that few newcomers understand is that of control. We have none over our WAW. Our M are over, they have left us. What we're doing here is mostly not screwing up the R further, so as to preserve hope that something might be reborn. It's also about saving ourselves. Pursuing and being difficult will make it even less likely that we'll ever reconcile. So don't think that you can take actions that will bring her back. The only thing that can bring her back is herself and time.

Okay!

You haven't quite done yet your "confession". In the first weeks, newcomers spend a lot of time sharing what they might have done wrong in their M to get here. You just told us you were swinging and then your W fell in love with this OC. Tell us more about the issues in your M and what you contributed. It will be important to identify your 180s, etc. to become a better person. You'll get probing question. Let's hope that MrBond comes around here then.

Well a couple of years ago she confessed that she wasn't attracted to me anymore, I did the typical begging/pleading then and she came around. We don't have kids.

Here's what I think I've done wrong over the years. When we first got together she was very shy and sheltered, she didn't drive, wasn't going to school, didn't have a job and wouldn't look anyone in the eye. I wound up moving in with her and her parents. We would go out on cheap dates (we didn't have much money), like to the park to walk around, museums, bookstores etc. We would cook together. She wound up doing the dishes/laundry because she "liked to take care of me". I tried my best to draw her out of her shell. Trying to get her to interact with people by pretending like I couldn't do it for myself (i.e. lets get pizza, will you call? i don't like doing it).

We dated for 4 years, I got into grad school, and we married 2 weeks before leaving our family behind to move to Michigan.

Since then our roles seemed to have reversed. While before I was the independent one and she wasn't as much, now I've become dependent on her for everything. She did everything in the house. Cook, clean, take care of the cats. I had one chore, load the dishwasher, and I didn't even do that religiously. At one point in her life she mentioned she didn’t mind because she liked taking care of me and spoiling me. My guess is it became too much for her to take.

My work is mostly programming so I could spend days “working from home” and she seemed angry about the days I would do that. I would spend several hours each night playing video games which she would eventually join in on. She’s called me controlling and condescending. She’s complained that I don’t participate in taking care of the apartment and cats. And that is why she didn’t want to have kids with me because it would be one more responsibility that she would have to take on.

As far as my 180’s go the whole thing seems a little odd to me. Since she’s left I immediately have become self-dependent again. I knew how, it just wasn’t really required before, so I guess I didn’t bother. It seems hard to show her a 180 behavior that may seem more like self preservation rather than a change. Although when we talked recently she seemed surprised that I was going to work (as opposed to working from home) and cooking for myself.

My sitch is now a little old (6 months), so it would be a lot of work to read my 10 threads, but follow from now on if you can because you'll see someone else trying to follow every piece of DB and vet advice. You might want to get back some anyway, to see how things progressed int he beginning. It's all in the first post of my thread.

Please set up your signature, like mine. It helps us a lot to provide you advice to know your age, the duration of your M and R, etc.

Now, let's live up to your thread title!

Thanks again Mozza! It’s interacting with vets and newcomers alike that I feel I can best implement the DB/DR techniques. Everyone helps make sure I’m staying on the right track and in the right frame of mind. So bring on your hardest questions everyone. I’m going to need all the criticism & help I can get.