Old dog seeks new trick 10

[Old Dog]

Thanks for your advice. I meant to ask this at the weekend but there was no internet access.

The window of opportunity to deliver the speech was only short as she had to go back to work. It didn't go down well.

She accused me of dictating what she can and cannot do. I said it's not about dictating, it's about what I am prepared to put up with. She said she has every right to bring into the house what she wants: it's her house too.

She said it's not sordid affair, it's part of my life now. I said we are still married, so legally it is an affair. She refused to keep it outside the home. I didn't use the word sordid in my piece nor in the reply.

I then asked why she isn't anouncing it further as the kids aren't aware of the full extent. She said they know she is seeing him but she is protecting them.

She then picked up on the fact that the cards weren't on show and I said no but the envelope was in plain sight: I saw it immediately. I said I wished I hadn't looked but succombed and apologised for doing so. I said I won't be doing it again. Then I asked what if the kids had seen them? She didn't answer this.

She did take the cards out of the house but was really unhappy to do so. She left saying we need to talk about this and I shoud focus on what's important, S15's upcoming operation.

So plenty of spew, and round two to look forward to. I'm not sure when that will be, maybe later this evening. S15 will be staying with her near the hospital and I will be at a friend's house nearby. Perhaps tomorrow when we'll both be there while S15 is undergoing the op.

[Vanilla]

OD

She is still your W, this is still your home.

I think it is good to enforce your boundary.

Think it's a shame that Ceroc are not more careful with sharers, could put together from similar locations!

My sharer is from Surrey so I have invited her to my local venue when there is the next sat dance.

V

[claire7]

She can continue to do what she wants-- remember, you can't control her actions. But you've stated a boundary: artifacts of an extra marital relationship have no place in the home you currently still share together. And if you see them, you will remove them.

And who cares that she was "unhappy" to remove the cards. What did you expect her to say? "Oh, you're so right, OD, how awful I've been to you"?? Sorry, you are not going to get that!

Part of boundary setting is also limiting the emotional grip our WAS have on us. Don't let her reaction throw you. Hang in there and yes, she is right that you need to focus on your son. (Someone here did warn you about timing, no?)

[bdub]

You are nicer than I am. I would have tossed the cards in the garbage and then stated what you found and what actions you took. In fact, in my sitch I found artifacts of the A she was having and destroyed them and did not tell her. A few of them had monetary value. Boundary stated with no words.

[gan]

^^^ Claire's post is spot on I think.

[Sotto]

I agree with Claire's wise words and the comment about timing too. But it is done now.

And whilst it may not have been an easy convo, your W DID remove the cards. Successful outcome. And whilst she was unhappy about it, she never was going to thank you for this. But if it leads to greater respect and caution with 'affair artefacts' - that's good, and hopefully will avoid similar pain for you going forwards.

I hope things go well for S tomorrow OD (())

[Vanilla]

Praying for S tomorrow

V

[Old Dog]

Thank you everyone. I'm pleased I took the action and also that the outcome was what I wanted. And also pleased that she was annoyed.

Why the heck she thinks she can get her way all the time and expect me to roll over and accept everything is beyond me.

I'm going to have to watch out for more spew tomorrow. She said we need to talk. I can imagine it'll be just like the other talks where she is frustrated that I'm not acting like an 'adult' and letting her eat as much cake as she wants and I need to focus on S15, role model blah blah blah.

Another boundary I can set is:

I will not be lectured by you. I am perfectly aware of my responsibilities as a parent and my position as a role model and I am discharging them to the best of my ability in a very difficult situation. If you are not happy with that, then tough.

I think I better leave out the bit about her being a bad role model with her loose morals.

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V, what do you know about Leroc? I understand that Ceroc splintered off into a franchise model from Leroc many years ago and Leroc is more of an 'open source' version. Do they teach similar things still. I ask because there is a venue just down the road from me that does Leroc. I go past it every day and never noticed before a couple of days ago.

And why do I keep pressing the Go button instead of the Submit button?

[Old Dog]

You are nicer than I am. I would have tossed the cards in the garbage and then stated what you found and what actions you took. In fact, in my sitch I found artifacts of the A she was having and destroyed them and did not tell her. A few of them had monetary value. Boundary stated with no words.

I did consider that bdub, but yes I'm too nice for my own good. Plus, I have to be vigilant for passive aggressive reactions and this may well have constituted one.

[Ggrass]

Get out practice what it looks like to move on, without her. She will spew I'm betting.

Copped from mlc thread but applies here.

Hey I had a compliment on the weekend about how great I do my job in the store.

How it seems to be natural and easy. It's not, I'm naturally loud, but do like to be alone. If I could never leave the farm and not care.

I made a decision to work on the make the hardest Things in my life easy, it's something I have done before in dead end crappy jobs. Learnt to do a great job, even tho I hated the work.


Now I'm trying to give people postative feel good warm and fuzzy each time we have an Interaction. H said I was naturally nasty lieing biatch of low morals.

While some stuff might not come naturally you can become better you can "work" at it.

The more I read the more i see most interactions with people are script and there and no,new wheels. So you can learn while you might never be natural you might have better Interpersonal skills than others this can put you out in front.

See? Old dog