Trying to Follow DB & DR

[Mozza]

Minman2 - I came to read your sitch because of your title. I admire people who are truly committing to follow the DB process and I'm interested in what results they get. It seems to me that most successful vets have stuck closely to the script. This is what I'm doing, almost from the start (I had 2 weeks of begging too) even when it's hard or counterintuitive. In fact, my first post was called "Fresh separation - trying to play by the book", so, very similar to you.

A key concept that a lot of newcomers don't seem to understand is time. When sandi2 tells you that it's going to take some time, how long do you think that is? You mention August as a deadline, which would give some 5 months to your sitch, making it almost a record-breaking short time. Let me jolt you a little: don't expect this to last less than a year. Prepare to spend next Christmas separated. I'm not exaggerating: go have a look at the success stories at the top of my thread and you'll see that they last at least a year. Yours has plenty of issues and it doesn't look like it can be quickly fixed.

Now try to envision what will happen in the coming year. Do this to prepare yourself. She will move out all of her stuff. She'll deepen her relationship with the OC. She'll move in August. She'll ask for a D, she'll get a lawyer and so will you. You might draft or even sign the D papers. Brace yourself. It's part of the process.

Realize that time is on your side. Right now, she's as far from you as she'll be in the coming year. Emotionally, you're a nuisance to her, the past, the old H, the wet blanket, the troubles. This OC is the future, they are the thrill of her life. They are great. Try to remember when you were newly in love. Did you care about your ex? What if your ex told you, in tears, that she loved you so much, that she wanted to "work" on things? But much the way your R with W has normalized over the years, all R do. This love triangle she got herself into sounds like a high wire act. I wonder if she likes both equally? There will be jealousy. She'll have only them so she might become a little smothering. Regardless, remember that the honeymoon phase doesn't last: it's a truth of the human condition.

Do not waste any time: give her the impression that you're moving on ASAP. The earlier you do it, the more impact you'll have, the more doubts you'll give her.

On this topic, the messages that sandi2 wrote you are gold. Not every newcomer gets her attention on this board. Make sure you read them often. When you have a new question, go back to her posts to you and that of Cadet to look for answers.

Another concept that few newcomers understand is that of control. We have none over our WAW. Our M are over, they have left us. What we're doing here is mostly not screwing up the R further, so as to preserve hope that something might be reborn. It's also about saving ourselves. Pursuing and being difficult will make it even less likely that we'll ever reconcile. So don't think that you can take actions that will bring her back. The only thing that can bring her back is herself and time.

You haven't quite done yet your "confession". In the first weeks, newcomers spend a lot of time sharing what they might have done wrong in their M to get here. You just told us you were swinging and then your W fell in love with this OC. Tell us more about the issues in your M and what you contributed. It will be important to identify your 180s, etc. to become a better person. You'll get probing question. Let's hope that MrBond comes around here then.

My sitch is now a little old (6 months), so it would be a lot of work to read my 10 threads, but follow from now on if you can because you'll see someone else trying to follow every piece of DB and vet advice. You might want to get back some anyway, to see how things progressed int he beginning. It's all in the first post of my thread.

Please set up your signature, like mine. It helps us a lot to provide you advice to know your age, the duration of your M and R, etc.

Now, let's live up to your thread title!