Alpha and WAW - part 2

[alpha99]

Thank you so much Toots. The words of encouragement and advice from yourself and other very kind users here are REALLY, REALLY the only things that keep me going and give me hope at times.

Had a great week this week interaction wise. It's all gone belly up big time since S has been ill. As I said, I got emotional, pleading, begging, crying. I know I can't do this but I do. You're right, I need to go.through flashpoints and chance my approach. So hard when S is laying in hospital and W says I can't see him tonight, nor my daughter. We had minor altercation in school playground today. Earlier in day I threatened to k!ll myself. Not a serious threat, just an incredibly stupid, desperate thing.

I know I'm hanging on by a thread now before MIL takes bull by horns (she is quite well off) and finances D for W. THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE.

like I said, week prior to this has been good. I've logged out of YouTube and emails so no spying on spouse. Final thing on this: W listening to if you're not the one by Daniel bedingfield just before all this kicked off. She was far nicer to me. Song, in case you don't know, is about feeling like you should be with someone even if you know you shouldnt. Could be OM related but somehow I don't think so. She had been softening. Did I blow it at the first sign of improvement. We have DEFINITELY gone back about a month cos.of today. Hope D proceedings don't get underway. W herself said not now but does want D, clean start etc. hope MIL doesn't take over.

I miss my son and daughter. D said she misses me this morning.

I WILL BE THERE FOR MY CHILDREN WHATEVER HAPPENS.

When they were born, I walked out of hospital and thought to myself 'I will do everything in my life I can.for those children'. I always have. I always will.

To some degree or other I will always love my W. I know this. If I didnt life would be easier. I need to be her friend now, only her friend for now, and see over time how that goes. She has keys to nee place tonight/first thing tomorrow. More hard times ahead. I am prepared for this. Sorted out a lot of my stuff.

Don't know what to say really, just about the lowest point in my life really. Tomorrow can only be better. Life goes on. My children do love me. I will only ever show them love. I have no one in the world (physically, I mean) to help me. I will stand tall tomorrow, see my son, daughter, get things back on track.