Alpha and WAW - part 2

[alpha99]

Just to add to above, the last 5 minutes.of conversation went downhill. W was.goading m. I asked a question about the ward my mum works on and referred to ward next door that W works on. W thought I meant I was going to expose hee A at work. I resisted talking about it and left. She followed me shouting and finally things got the better of me, I said...what's your bosses name?

Having got home and cooled down, I called W to ask about S and D and school arrangements. Whilst on the phone R comes up. She says she can't see us getting back together cos too much has happened. I decided to play hard ball. I said I wanted to move on with my life and that if either of us were to meet someone else then it would be better if we knew that the ship had sailed regarding our R. I made it clear I'm not pleading etc, I just want to know the situation for both of us.

She asked if I had met someone. I didn't answer. She said she has no plans to.meet anyone ever again (err ok). She seems to have no imminent plans to divorce as she said it is too expensive. She said why can't we just be nice to each other like we have all week? Why are you being nasty?

Earlier I'd mentioned I can't take kids to school and back every day. It's costing me too much. She threw an almighty wobbled. I feel like I'm at the last throw of the dice here.

She said we'd talk about R tomorrow. Call ended on a positive note. I don't knowif I want to speak to her tomorrow. It's equal love/resentment at the moment for my part.

[twinmom]

Ok..... last advice from me for today...

STOP DOING THINGS TO GET A REACTION FROM YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where is the list of things you need to work on to make yourself a better person? I'm not talking about buying new clothes, I'm taking about patience/positive outlook/volunteering/career/work ethic.....

[alpha99]

You're right twinmom...I need to pull myself together...quickly.


Things I need to work on:

Be more patient
Less derogatory
Less sarcastic in general
Get a full time job that pays well
Not being nasty if arguments occur
Be more confident (not just appear so)
Be independent
Make new friends
Find new hobbies


Complaints wife would have of me:

She's the breadwinner/I haven't worked enough the last few years.
I make a joke of almost everything
I'm incredibly sarcastic
I put her down when we argue/have showed a lack of respect towards her.
Name calling in arguments
Haven't showed her enough affection recently
Controlling and argumentative/brash on occasion

There's probably others but that's off the top of my head.

My good qualities:

I can be kind and considerate.
I'm an excellent father.
I can be a good listener.
I'm eager to help in times of crisis.
I iron w's clothes for work/prepare her food/ wait for her.to come home and ave bath run/food/tea ready.
Drive her to work/pick her up when we have car.
Ensured financial stability allowing for mortgage overpayments and numerous holidays (she sees this as controlling...I agree to an extent)

Again, off the top of my head.

[alpha99]

Ok, update time.

As S in hospital, W and I spent a lot of time together yesterday and today.

The brown stuff hit the fan. I backslid (again, I know arghhh) big time. Got emotional due to son being ill (longest ever stay in hospital) and things went downhill. I asked for reassurances and got none. W won't divorce now due to cost but wants a fresh start, can't trust me, doesn't love me, wants to be nice and.amicable for kids.

MIL wants to call police and solicitors over harrassment. Background: w dictating when I can see son, for how long, what time, won't let me speak to doctor etc. A few hours have passed, W calmed down slightly.

I realise this is my LAST CHANCE. If I blow it once more MIL will railroad W through divorce.

[Starsky309]

Oy vey.

[alpha99]

I know I'm hearing.all good advice, reading it in.the books, and then veering off at times on my own crazy direction. I have to be more disciplined. I really, REALLY do.

I know I can resolve this through my own actions. I will change. For me. For my children. Yes, for my wife. If she doesn't notice or care then I will still reap the benefits for the rest of my life.

[Sotto]

Hi Alpha. It's one thing reading it and it all makes sense. It all becomes more difficult faced with your WAS. But as you say, you know what you need to to and you know that the right action is what's needed.

At the moment it sounds as though things are spiraling downwards with you and your W. It takes two for that to happen and one can change the dynamic. If you can think about 'flashpoints' beforehand and plan your responses, maybe that would help?

If in doubt, maybe revisit DR or DB armed with a pencil and reflect on recent poor exchanges with your W. All is not lost and we all make mistakes. The key is to learn from that, change, and not keep on making them!

[alpha99]

Thank you so much Toots. The words of encouragement and advice from yourself and other very kind users here are REALLY, REALLY the only things that keep me going and give me hope at times.

Had a great week this week interaction wise. It's all gone belly up big time since S has been ill. As I said, I got emotional, pleading, begging, crying. I know I can't do this but I do. You're right, I need to go.through flashpoints and chance my approach. So hard when S is laying in hospital and W says I can't see him tonight, nor my daughter. We had minor altercation in school playground today. Earlier in day I threatened to k!ll myself. Not a serious threat, just an incredibly stupid, desperate thing.

I know I'm hanging on by a thread now before MIL takes bull by horns (she is quite well off) and finances D for W. THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE.

like I said, week prior to this has been good. I've logged out of YouTube and emails so no spying on spouse. Final thing on this: W listening to if you're not the one by Daniel bedingfield just before all this kicked off. She was far nicer to me. Song, in case you don't know, is about feeling like you should be with someone even if you know you shouldnt. Could be OM related but somehow I don't think so. She had been softening. Did I blow it at the first sign of improvement. We have DEFINITELY gone back about a month cos.of today. Hope D proceedings don't get underway. W herself said not now but does want D, clean start etc. hope MIL doesn't take over.

I miss my son and daughter. D said she misses me this morning.

I WILL BE THERE FOR MY CHILDREN WHATEVER HAPPENS.

When they were born, I walked out of hospital and thought to myself 'I will do everything in my life I can.for those children'. I always have. I always will.

To some degree or other I will always love my W. I know this. If I didnt life would be easier. I need to be her friend now, only her friend for now, and see over time how that goes. She has keys to nee place tonight/first thing tomorrow. More hard times ahead. I am prepared for this. Sorted out a lot of my stuff.

Don't know what to say really, just about the lowest point in my life really. Tomorrow can only be better. Life goes on. My children do love me. I will only ever show them love. I have no one in the world (physically, I mean) to help me. I will stand tall tomorrow, see my son, daughter, get things back on track.

[alpha99]

W still communicating. S home from hospital. Thank goodness. S being well is the main thing. W doesn't want me to do school tomorrow as her F has day off. I will take my medicine and do as requested the next week or so. Short term pain for long term gain. I do get the feeling left alone W will revert back to this last week's behaviour. I hope so. If we are at 'being nice for kids' stage again that would be a foothold to work from. Get the feeling she'll want me to take kids to school come Tuesday. Feeling very tired now.

[alpha99]

After yesterday's fireworks, a quiet day today (for now). NC with kids today bit W has texted twice in response to my asking about S. She sent two, two word replies, so very frosty then. At least she replied. No more contact until she gets in.touch with me.

I've been re-reading DR again. It's making more sense each time as things get ever more real for me. I have to, have to, have to follow the book. No more deviating of just plain old begging/pleading EVER.

I think I've put myself back a good three weeks because of yesterday. I will have to tread carefully from now on. I am coming to understand the full meaning of detachment and understand it is so hard to do. I need to though. I'm going to up my social activities to keep busy, GAL, and not dwell so much on things. I know *this* situation right now ain't forever. My children will ALWAYS love me. I will only ever show them love.