I haven't posted much lately but you seem like a great person and mom. Just something about yours posts always sound so honest yet optimistic.
You've gotten great advice. However, one thing I do notice in your posts is that I feel like you are hoping there will be a break through with W. This all takes time and it seems unlikely your W will have an epiphany anytime soon. I know this very difficult and it just flat out sukks. But leave her to her deal with her crisis. You can rationalize with an irrational person. Or to quote my xh as he was sobbing uncontrollably, "I have no idea how you can function being so logical." That solidified that I wasn't the crazy one.
Hang in there:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
...one thing I do notice in your posts is that I feel like you are hoping there will be a break through with W. This all takes time and it seems unlikely your W will have an epiphany anytime soon. I know this very difficult and it just flat out sukks. But leave her to her deal with her crisis. You can rationalize with an irrational person. Or to quote my xh as he was sobbing uncontrollably, "I have no idea how you can function being so logical." That solidified that I wasn't the crazy one.
Hang in there:-)
That is my fatal flaw... While intellectually I get that this is going to take a long time -- and I can have many moments where I get that and am okay with it and can comfortably see myself living somewhere else and being happy on my own while W goes on around in orbit -- I also have emotional moments where my eternal optimist comes out hoping and praying for a breakthrough/miracle... and it does hurt when I get slapped with nuggets of reality like overhearing the conversation about a wedding this morning.
Thanks for saying that I sound like a great person and a great mom... That is my goal always -- to be the best person I can be for my kids, myself, my W (even if she doesn't appreciate it right now), all of my family and friends, and to everyone I encounter in this world. I always want to make my little corner of the world a better place while I am in it. :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
You know a good friend of mine told me at the time my xh left that the sex in MLC is largely in their heads! At the time I thought he was wrong, and now I am not so sure.
One of my friends whose xh had (and is still having) a MLC - one of the slow ones(!) discovered later that the woman he left for he stopped having sex with when he moved in with her. Nada for at least a couple of years. And he left for (among other things) a better sex life.
It makes you think just how much of a fantasy world they inhabit
You know a good friend of mine told me at the time my xh left that the sex in MLC is largely in their heads! At the time I thought he was wrong, and now I am not so sure.
One of my friends whose xh had (and is still having) a MLC - one of the slow ones(!) discovered later that the woman he left for he stopped having sex with when he moved in with her. Nada for at least a couple of years. And he left for (among other things) a better sex life.
It makes you think just how much of a fantasy world they inhabit
I can believe that now that I see more of the reality of my W's MLC situation... this started with sexual fantasy (can't go into details -- but I do know that's how it started) online, which resulted in this odd friendship that grew into something more... BD occurred once I realized their sexting fantasy stuff had moved from sexting about celebrities to sexting to each other and expressing their "love" for one another... Very convenient that OW is "saving" herself for marriage but immersed herself in an enormous amount of written fantasy (which attracted my W)... There are also some other things I have picked up on that are too personal to share here -- but there is more that I know related to this not being better than the reality that W has had with me (physically).
Oh well... nothing I can do about W's choice to live in the fantasy world rather than work on improving reality. :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Jer ... just got caught up ... ughhh what a kick in the gut.
Ya know reading about your sitch ... like I mentioned before I think the fact OW is not local, not present with a good percentage of your W in MLC mode makes the A just take longer, when one or the other is upset they can easily avoid ... regroup and come back as a fresh ray of sunshine. I am not sure what happened to OM in my sitch .. but I would guess he couldn't hang with all the crazy my W can pack into her purse.
The other thing ... Ok .. OW younger, not completely knowing who she is, your W seemingly trying to say all the things to get her to do as she wants ... lets get married ... thats just a way for her to get OW to loosen up ... I mean come on we can have sex because we are going to get married ... there is just so much on the surface that is working against this R ... breathe, you are handling this remarkably ... I would have flipped to be honest, but there is a good side of believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do, she is in La-La land and its all just fantasy talk. Hang in there ... its a long crappy ride .... focus on where YOU will be and WHO you want to become ... do not allow this to define you, you are to good for that.
Not sure what country OW is in, but do you think this could be a scam? I mean, she hasn't slept with your W (even though they were together), is "saving herself" for marriage but isn't bothered by breaking up your family? Is it possible she is just looking for a green card? This scenario has surely played out in a lot of heterosexual affairs here. Sometimes the OP has several people on the line, just waiting to see which one will come through with a marriage proposal and green card status first. OR they're just scamming money, getting the WAS to send them money for bills, airline tickets, etc. , milking it for whatever they can get until the WAS finally figures out they've been had.
Is OW from a country where this might be likely? (Seems like Russia, Asia, South Africa have been the places I've seen on this board. One guy left his wife for a South African prostitute he met online - he married her and brought her to the U.S.)
OW is not from one of those countries, but that thought has crossed my mind... If so, she's a wonderful actress with the background story she's given my W. The only glitch in that is how they met -- it was online, but not in a place where scammers might be targeting people. I can't give more details than that -- but was definitely not a dating site.
However, there are so many more earmarks of a scam -- marriage to get green card, receiving $$ from my W (I do know for a fact that this is happening -- but to me W complains about being in debt...), etc.
I don't think it's a scam, but it sure is a very messed up sitch.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Jer ... just got caught up ... ughhh what a kick in the gut.
Ya know reading about your sitch ... like I mentioned before I think the fact OW is not local, not present with a good percentage of your W in MLC mode makes the A just take longer, when one or the other is upset they can easily avoid ... regroup and come back as a fresh ray of sunshine. I am not sure what happened to OM in my sitch .. but I would guess he couldn't hang with all the crazy my W can pack into her purse.
Yep -- unfortunately, you are right... it just allows this to drag out longer because they don't have to deal with each other in day-to-day reality. As I write that I think -- go ahead, move here and get married to my W... then let me count the days it takes for you to run crying back to your family and friends in your home country! There is no way a 25 yr old with no relationship experience is going to have the relationship skills to deal with or put up with a 45 yr old in the middle of an MLC... and a 45 yr old with lots of baggage, existing demons/issues that she won't deal with (hence the MLC), and an existing family of 3 kids and an ex who is MUCH more mature (and loved by W's family) :-)
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
The other thing ... Ok .. OW younger, not completely knowing who she is, your W seemingly trying to say all the things to get her to do as she wants ... lets get married ... thats just a way for her to get OW to loosen up ... I mean come on we can have sex because we are going to get married ... there is just so much on the surface that is working against this R ... breathe, you are handling this remarkably ... I would have flipped to be honest, but there is a good side of believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do, she is in La-La land and its all just fantasy talk. Hang in there ... its a long crappy ride .... focus on where YOU will be and WHO you want to become ... do not allow this to define you, you are to good for that.
I never thought about it like that but you hit on something that I think could be so true... And, very much like my W... I love her dearly, but she is very skilled at doing and saying things to get people to do what she wants... She is VERY charming (she reeled me in that way) and is very skilled at saying the right things to relieve one's fears and concerns... She did so much of that when we met and started dating -- it moved very quickly despite my concerns... She does have a ton of great qualities -- I wouldn't have fallen in love with her and stayed with her for 10 years (and still love her) if that weren't true... But she does have the ability and skills to do exactly what you are describing. In fact, based on the conversation I overheard on Friday morning, I almost think she could be using some reverse psychology on OW to do exactly what you are thinking -- get OW to give in before marriage... Wow... As manipulative as all that sounds, I almost hope it's the truth so I don't have to stomach the two of them actually getting married. That thought makes me more ill than the thought of them having sex.
Thanks for the words of support and confidence... I had a really good IC session today focused on me and my journey... And like you've said -- out of these bad situations can come some good... Like me being on an important journey that I now see is necessary for me to be able to deal in a very mature way with everything that will be thrown at me in the last half of my life. I am in the process of developing the strength, skills, and faith that I will need going forward as my kids get older (and become teens -- eek!) and as my parents become older... Not to mention my own aging :-) I was not focused on the need to develop that kind of maturity or those skills or that level of faith before BD, but now I see clearly what I need to be doing to become that person -- and it's happening slowly, but surely as I go through all of this.
Also had another wonderfully serendipitous moment this morning where it was clear that God is with me in this and that I am more connected to Him now that I have ever been in my life... And that is such a good thing. Won't go into details, but will say that it led me to stop by the bookstore today where I stumbled across a book that had something in it that I NEEDED to read today which immediately prompted me to purchase a study bible that I can now use to mark up scripture passages that speak to me through all of this and going forward. I did not go into the bookstore looking for the book that had a short chapter that spoke me, nor did I go in the bookstore with the thought of buying a bible -- but it all happened and afterwards I felt so certain that it was all supposed to happen just that way.
He is working in my life... I just need to continue striving to "let go and let God" and "be still" so He can continue working in my life :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
slow ones(!) discovered later that the woman he left for he stopped having sex with when he moved in with her. Nada for at least a couple of years. And he left for (among other things) a better sex life.