Zelda - I want it all, all right now.

[Vanilla]

I know this is physical abuse, categorically, specifically intimidation.

Just found out he texted my mom a line, "she pushes and pushes and doesn't listen to anything I have to say." I guess the message is clear I better not say anything, certainly not repeat myself unless I want a scene like last night.

V this is typical abuse cycle. The abuser in the 'remorse' stage will attempt to shift the blame. you made me do this and also to regain control. It also is an attempt to cover up or minimise. In my last abuse I blew the doors off and now none of this is hidden. I wished that I had done this much sooner. Abusers change the rules and there is no way you can comply.

I'm wondering if the fact I don't want to go out, do anything, see anyone since he's been home - all I want to do is sleep and cry - I wonder how much self-imposed stress this is, and how much is just frustration and his tactics in a conversation that make me feel like I'm going crazy.

Crazy making and it is shock. An abuse escalation will leave you feeling that somewhere deep down actually may be perhaps there is some truth there. You are describing almost exactly how I felt. Did you read and are quoting from my journal perhaps?

All I know is I've been struggling with a lot of feelings of self-hatred ever since I've stopped unleashing my anger and frustration at him.

As the screaming banshee went away, this was also my experience too. So that part of me I called Plain Vanilla came forward, I bought Hs description of me as a pitiful creature. Paradoxically my understanding and experience is that this can be a phase of great growth as I learned to redirect this in more positive ways. It has taken a great deal of energy but I never want this in my life again. This will be a one off, so change must occur.

I feel like there is really subtle power play here. It sounds paranoid, but I wonder if this whole 3.5 months of being fired, him leaving me, if it wasn't done at some level to break me. He stepped back in SO easily, so effortlessly. A family member complimented me, how gentle I've become, I'm a much softer me...I can't say it feels like an improvement from here.

Z you may never know and frankly this does not matter much. Those improvements are for you Z, no one else. It took me nearly 6 months before I understood that the 'softness' actually left me better place, less upset and sad, and detachment was the biggest gain in all of this. More full of love for myself, unloading my backpack of negativity.

I know I've seen him sit on the couch and cry about his suicidal feelings, what he was going through last year...I know this was real to him. I just don't know what kind of manipulation he's really capable of.

Yes, real pity party stuff! Here H have the poor me T shirt. Really H your issues, I can only provide the supportive environment for you, the rest is up to you. Get on with it.

On the way to a breakfast this weekend I did ask him point blank (gives you an idea) if he blamed me for the way our marriage deteriorated. He said no, obviously I'm struggling with a lot of things and piss poor communication. I am lucky to have you, a lot of people wouldn't have been able to handle me.

Well, he can not really say anything else! Z, it is to keep you on the hook.

The fact that I feel so low and so confused, and so far off from that confident happy person I used to be...I don't want to blame him and say there has been emotional abuse here, but I feel like something has been going on besides what happened last night. Just can't wrap my head around it.

I came to know that blame will be unhelpful. This must be confusing, it is the worst behaviour and will leave you confused. take time out to think about it.

Z comes first. Be safe. If you need to get space do so as much as you need. Decide on your boundary. If it is helpful here is mine. "I feel sad and hurt H when I think that you are abusing me. I will no longer be verbally or emotionally abused and if this happens again I will leave to consider my choices'. It did so I left for 10 days. Then 'if I am abused again I will involve the authorities' it did, so I have and I have left for 10 days. Now ' if I am abused again, I will get a restraining order'

I have not asked H to do anything other than stop abusive behaviour. There is no excusing, colluding, denying or demands. just I want this stopped today.

Z, please get help with this. Ceasing denial is a big step, it really is Important and the descriptions you are giving at their core match almost word for word how I have felt.
I am projecting every ounce of strength and love I can. No matter how hard this is, it need never be like this again.