Zelda - I want it all, all right now.

[Zelda09]

I know this is physical abuse, categorically, specifically intimidation.

Just found out he texted my mom a line, "she pushes and pushes and doesn't listen to anything I have to say." I guess the message is clear I better not say anything, certainly not repeat myself unless I want a scene like last night.

I'm wondering if the fact I don't want to go out, do anything, see anyone since he's been home - all I want to do is sleep and cry - I wonder how much self-imposed stress this is, and how much is just frustration and his tactics in a conversation that make me feel like I'm going crazy.

All I know is I've been struggling with a lot of feelings of self-hatred ever since I've stopped unleashing my anger and frustration at him.

I feel like there is really subtle power play here. It sounds paranoid, but I wonder if this whole 3.5 months of being fired, him leaving me, if it wasn't done at some level to break me. He stepped back in SO easily, so effortlessly. A family member complimented me, how gentle I've become, I'm a much softer me...I can't say it feels like an improvement from here.

I know I've seen him sit on the couch and cry about his suicidal feelings, what he was going through last year...I know this was real to him. I just don't know what kind of manipulation he's really capable of.

On the way to a breakfast this weekend I did ask him point blank (gives you an idea) if he blamed me for the way our marriage deteriorated. He said no, obviously I'm struggling with a lot of things and piss poor communication. I am lucky to have you, a lot of people wouldn't have been able to handle me.

The fact that I feel so low and so confused, and so far off from that confident happy person I used to be...I don't want to blame him and say there has been emotional abuse here, but I feel like something has been going on besides what happened last night. Just can't wrap my head around it.