As you are aware by now I have been subject to this type of abuse. In my own case it has taken two years to escalate to a dangerous point of my own safety.
Please take this very seriously indeed and stay safe. My understanding of abuse has increased significantly over the last few months until I am finally able to see what is obvious! I wished that I had taken this very seriously from day 1 and intervened on my own behalf.
This is how I understand this issue. I am having a lot of help from VSO, IC, twelve steps groups, family and friends, DBers here, Freedom program and now the Surrey Sanctury. This help is for me because as I set my boundaries and grow so the abuse is worsening as H looses control over V.
The incident you described sounds like abuse to me and is similar to many incidents in my own life. I am miles away and am viewing this through your posts of course and naturally I would advise caution.
Firstly I have learned abuse is not about anger it is about control. When control is enforced through aggression then that is bullying. Controllers are able to navigate and negotiate the world without anger, they reserve aggression for those they have closest with attempts at bullying. Controlled Abuse can be released with minimum alcohol and then bullies can excuse their abuse as being alcohol related. Alcohol does not excuse abuse or bullying. Abuse is the intent but bullying is the action of the controller and is often deliberate. The abuser is choosing to release because it makes them feel better. It raises their importance to themselves. It clams them for a while.
Frankly I have no care that abusers have had bad childhoods that is why they abuse. They are responsible for themselves.
The next issue I addressed was is the abuser suffering from a personality disorder (in which case it is almost impossible to resolve and requires a clinical diagnosis and treatment) or is this an escalation pattern which can be interrupted.
So firstly with some help I indentified what was going on in my sitch as abuse, even if everyone around you is warning you this is still hard to accept. So, yes, I now call this as it is. Hard enough to do, and really I only accepted this when it was so bad that I could do nothing else. There was nowhere to hide or deny it. H has never hit, stuck, pushed or physically attacked me but his aggression is very threatening. He will storm into my room when I am in bed and tower over me, point fingers when I am sitting down and almost spit venom at me. But he has been careful when throwing his tantrums to stay this side of physical contact. That is how I know this is aggression enforced not anger, I am very clear if H ever did physical harm then I will involve law enforcement, there and then.
This behaviour of my H is bullying which comes from control or an attempt to control by H using aggression. The aggression is enhanced as I reset my boundaries. paradoxical?
So if I were Z then the things I may ask are 1. Am I being bullied, controlled etc 2. If some is this part of a cycle of abuse 3. How do I create an intervention and get support for Z 4. What part do I play in this
Z, being ADD, the first thing I did was research it. Hyper focus and emerged myself to understand what need to be done.
I have also signed up for the online Freedom Program and am going to attend the Surrey Samctuary for specialist counselling. As you are aware from my postings, I have H rants recorded on my phone and some of his texts. I have also Earned that abusers have a brief remorse phase after the abuse which is the most important moment for an intervention. using my recordings and a diary created from my journal I have sufficient evidence to trigger external agency involvement this time. Tough to do if there are no brushes.
The next and most difficult thing for me to swallow was my own role in this. And the next link realisation is straight talk about bullying and my role in it. I thought about whether I should post this to you, and as a wise DBer then you will use this I trust. my warning is more for anyone casually reading, care is needed as some violence and abuse is 'purpose' orientated for money or drug related. So not all bullying has a you played a role in it aspects.
Al Turtle unhelpful calls this the master slave principle which put me off reading it. There are some very useful thoughts there in the paper though so I considered it informative. I prefer the earlier body of work especially the Freedom program. I like the fact Al splits Control and Bullying as two mechanisms but it my sitch it does not much matter as I experience both.
