This morning I got following thought: why do I treat the relationships with my children as if they would be connected to my wife? They are individuals. When I treat everyone of them as an relationship on its own, it is way easier to relate to them and to help them with their individual needs, hopes and dreams. If I relate those connections to my wife it becomes messy and the boundaries become unclear. Certainly I treated them as individuals but in my subconscious I linked them to W. Those are just early morning thoughts. It helps me to differentiate because I don't think of them as a bundle that always have to include my wife's thoughts and reactions. When I read the above it sounds strange but I will post it anyway.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
The evening did not went well. My W had organized her day badly and she started way to late with the cake. When she entered the room she already was in a bad mood. Then a problem with the icing appeared and her mood got worse. She started an argument with S16 and treated him to harsh. Later she got into his room and apologized. Later, out of the blue she brought D14 into the livingroom and started the next argument. She did not talk to me about it before but expected my support in this discussion. I had a different opinion on the problem and she started to treat me disrespectful in front of D14. I left and told her that I would not spent the night in the house because of her behavior. And that she can not treat me like that. She apologized twice but I just wanted to leave. The entire evening she boasted about how good she could read people and that she would sense the vibration of the kids. She would know what they were thinking. It was all pretty weird. She is not really a lovable woman at the moment. Just an exhausted nagging self-centered person. I'm glad that I left.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
Yes it is very sad. Nobody wins when a family is torn apart.
FWIW, I think you made the right decision not to stay in the house with her showing disrespect to you in front of the children. To me, that is damaging the kids and how they learn about unhealthy roles in a Marriage/family.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This morning she apologized again for her behavior. She would have been exhausted and had lost her patience. It seemed to be important to her that I accepted her apology . In the future she would ask for my opinion before she would do things like yesterday. The rest of the morning she really did her best to be calm and friendly. Yesterday disrespect toward me and this morning it is important for her that I accept her apology?
Last edited by koalada; 03/16/1510:34 AM.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
You will probably see a lot more demonstrations of irrational and downright awful behavior from her. Some WW's apologize and some make excuses, and thinks he should be able to forgive easily and make no big deal out of it. Others point blame at the H, whether he had anything to do with the problem, or not. He usually gets the blame for whatever goes wrong in her life, and if she doesn't blame him she will take out her anger on him or the kids. Nobody else is going to put up with it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Some WW's apologize and some make excuses, and thinks he should be able to forgive easily and make no big deal out of it. Others point blame at the H, whether he had anything to do with the problem, or not.
Sandi, Starsky talks about 4 stages of remorse in a WW (wish I could find the thread). My W could never make it past stage 3: I know I did something wrong, but what's the big deal? Why can't you just get over it. She progressed from there to putting all the blame on me. My question, and I think this will be helpful to koalada, is what, if anything, to do about it? Is this a time for setting boundaries? If this is an angry person, how do you set boundaries? My W is not angry; just passive and avoidant. I think Koalada is up against something worse. Any practical advice? RAI
I did a little digging about the stages of remorse.
Stages of Remorse:
I do think your wife is in one of the early stages of remorse, but there are several stages. They'll go from "I'm sorry I got caught," to "I'm sorry for ME that I've messed myself up so much," to "I'm sorry for YOU that I hurt you (but I still don't see anything wrong with what I did)," to finally a more self-aware "I'm sorry for what I did because IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO, on so many levels. For me, for the pain I caused my husband, for the breaking of my vows, etc."
Isn't it an up and down on the stages? I can't believe that a WW is stable in her approach. Or are your experiences that the WW stick to the stages for a while?
Last edited by koalada; 03/16/1506:51 PM.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
The last 24 hrs W initiated contact. Something she did not do the last month. She sent me pictures of the birthday, just called to say hello, asked the kids to phone me and she told me how much my son enjoys his gift (the song I've recorded). Today is her counseling appointment. Usually she is totally messed up after those sessions. But I am not frightened today because no matter what will happen, I just drive to the place I am living in and enjoy the day.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
