Part 16 - edz, just edz

[edz]

No offence taken Jim

Waiting isn't living, completely right.

I know I have new interests in exercising and days out (when we eventually have something approaching a non wet day to go somewhere). Summer will bring photography and we'll see what else.

It's a good question Jim, I don't have a succinct answer despite being asked it many times.

I know what I enjoy, literature, music, movies, technology (although I'm steadily rejecting this now bar work and what I need to fulfil a function such as media), art, cooking (not being instructed but making it up from what I have) these are who I *am* - what I do regarding them needs some review and expansion.

I'm hoping for some opportunities for concerts or such but still looking for something I'd like to go and see in terms of musical performances. Nothing will ever change me into an outgoing dancing socialite and I'm only lying to myself to pretend it will.

Hence I need to find new things I haven't done that may be something I enjoy and keep trying until something sticks which is whats been happening albeit with not much success so far.

Beyond that I cant say as it would just be an off the shelf reply that signifies very little without an action attached.

Am I putting W under pressure subconsciously? I suppose I am and that's a good mirror to hold up Jim. I'd like to think not in her eyes just in my mind which is obviously why we post on here. If not I'd think she'd have grown tired and dropped any pretence at reconciliation by now if she felt pressured. Just my frustration at stalling at the moment I suppose especially after she dangled talking and dinner then went away again.

I know I've been asked this before, repeatedly, along with what will I do for GAL but honestly how do I pick a direction of travel without knowing what w wants to do?

The choices are pretty much simple; wait or move on. W has said she hasn't decided and isn't ruling anything out so, unless I just don't want to reconcile any more, surely waiting is the only course of action?

I asked this of a councillor last month, the reply was only I know what I want whether to 'wait and see' or decide I need to take control more than anything and give up waiting for a reconciliation that may never happen. The third way is the one I chose, the whole 'get on living and see'.That was sort of what I meant by I know I can't just wait forever though I'm just not ready to give up on the options yet.

Main issue I have is not stopping thinking about it. Don't get the wrong impression, days go by with no contact either way I dont have a stick in w's back saying has she thought about it all yet, normally comes up in conversation often not from me. Because w has s all week every week for H.E. and he's with me some combination of friday-monday less contact isn't practical. In a strictly co-parenting role we would probably still have the same contact just no lunches, breakfast toast or walks.

Its my mind that has it all on an endless loop and is torturing me on it, w will talk or wont nothing I can do either way.

I'm just fed up being alone at night and missing my companion no amount of GAL, swimming, art or any other momentary distraction will change that and right now there is no option open to me to salve it but wait, w hasnt said no, hasnt said yes, has only said ask again later. Meaning I wait or I give up and acknowledge that was my decision.

I don't want to and its painful.