Yesterday went POORLY. I couldn't look at him or talk to him. He kept sitting next to me and it made me sick to be near him. I am SO disgusted with him.
I know I have to live through my anger. It's one of the unavoidable stages of grief. But I'd like to navigate it more gracefully so that everything else in my life is easier. It was hard to recover from being around him so much. I'd like to be more impervious to his presence. I'd like to get to acceptance and meh. I'm tired of him having this power over my emotions. Time to take it back.
There is a book on the NYTimes bestseller about Decluttering your home. It says to only keep the things that give you joy. Like Edith Wharton's criteria of having in your home only those things you feel to be beautiful or know to be useful. My mission for the next six weeks is to apply those standards to my home systematically. So when I move into my new home I can take only those things that make my home feel tranquil and welcoming, and as little as possible of what makes me feel overwhelmed. And as I do that physical exercise I'll try it emotionally as well. I need to live MY life, not a crippled version of our old life.
Wishing you all peace, hugs, and smiles on this almost-spring Sunday.
Hey, I read that book and followed it. The hardest part for me was the photos of my kids growing up, knowing which to let go. It's a process but it's been good for me. I live in a small home and have always been on top of weeding out clutter. The book took it to another level.
About that anger, why not express that to your H?
Sometimes here on these boards it seems people get a message that they should never be angry with the WAS or express that anger when I think the real message should be to not ACT out of anger, or overreact out of anger and to be clear about where the anger comes from.
In the early days just after BD it's important to keep a lid on things cause everyone is hyperemotional.
Anger is an honest emotion in reaction to a threat or an injury. What if you told him "It's hard for me to communicate with you/be around you because I have a lot of anger about what's happened to my family. You've not always been honest with me in the past and I can't trust you right now" or whatever is the root of the anger. Then add whatever you need to say about how much time you spend with him. Don't keep carrying the anger.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
