Part 16 - edz, just edz

[edz]

Hi Jim

ahh that's the question isn't it.

I can indeed just say to w (as I told her I would if the time came) I can't continue like this, I need to take control and heal and move on. Then hope the future holds a loving relationship with someone new. W and I would co-parent (there's simply no way I can be close friends I can't separate my feelings from friendship it would be horribly unfair on me and anyone who may enter my life), we would be done unless w decided she has to be in my life.

I'm not ready to do that yet.

So my other option is to try to be calm, relax, get on with the other 95% of life - yes, mostly boring stuff and understand I have no control other than my own actions.

I have run all the scenarios (including 'thing') 100 times out loud to wife (who wasnt there stand in cushions or cat). The ultimate reality is I cant be prepared fully as w is inconsistant in what she wants, how shes getting there and what life she wants to live.

If I may - over time the scenario has been.

* She has just changed and wants to be someone different, she's with parents and its 100% the right thing to do no regrets.

* She and parents can raise s better without me

* She cant live with parents but doesnt know how to tell her mum shes thinking of moving back (Aug/Sep)

* She doesnt want to move back but wants to rent somewhere

* She doesnt want anything to do with the flat because she cant live there or have a connection with her mum

* She's moving back to the flat if I can find somewhere else

* She wants to see if she can make a go of it herself

* She's not ruling anything in or out, wants to talk to me

* She cant talk to me as she has s or I have s and doesnt want to talk if he can hear us


So emotionally I can give up or wait it out. Waiting means there's no guarantee and w can just say "thing" or no she chooses her mum over me or she just flat out doesn't want to be with me in which case I've lost time had some emotional turmoil but otherwise still where I was.

There's also s of course. He wants us to be together more than anything and is happiest when we are. Absolutely this is not the only reason to get back together as an unhappy reconciliation would be worse for him than riding out a divorce but I'm prepared to continue my efforts and increase them, it's really down to w. Much as I will try to present a smooth front with w on this s is too old and seen to much to buy it. He will blame w, he's told me this despite my saying he mustnt and sometimes these things just happen (I havent fed that back to w).

Unfairly perhaps and despite my conversations she will take the heat from him and I think she knows that, she's said she knows she'll be the bad guy, I've tried to reassure them both but if she choses not to reconcile its inevitable and I think that scares her.

of course I dont want her to reconcile because of fear of s's reaction or other issues just to leave again in 2,5 or 10 years when s leaves (I think she'd been thinking of that for a long time unspoken too).

Ultimately I want an opportunity for us all to be happy, ideally together. I'll do all the work I have to to achieve that but cant do it alone. I just need a small sign from w whether she can even imagine doing that.

I cant continue as is forever though, I know that, I told w that last year. Ultimately I wonder is that what she's hoping I'll do so she doesnt have to be the bad guy and can be the one who just needed time but her husband wasnt patient enough.

I hope I'm wrong.