(claire7, no worries about harsh-- "sad panda" is actually a South Park reference, but your point is nonetheless taken.)
The not-a-boundaries conversation that I had with her has definitely had its effect. Which has been both the effect I was expecting and not at all the effect I was expecting.
I was expecting that it would allow us to speak civilly to each other again, and bring the curtain-barrier down, and it's done that. I was also expecting that it would help me detach, and it's done that.. but I wasn't quite expecting how or why it turns out to have done that.
The forehead-slapping hindsight is that her behavior was her own 180 on me. Spending all her time out, hiding behind a curtain at home-- duh! Suckered. And yet, interestingly, once I broke through that and got her talking to me again... it made me lose interest in her. As would be predicted, wouldn't it! Granted, she's lost interest in me as well-- we did talk friendly-like with each other when she got home last night, but she stayed up late to say good night to him online, and she didn't even bother to say goodbye to me this morning. But that's okay.
So to answer Tenbook's questions:
"What are you doing to protect yourself from all this craziness? Which ones are aimed at her behavior and which are aimed at yours? ...What are you doing now to make yourself a better man. Which of those are aimed at pleasing your WW and which ones are just for you?"
I think that I have the same answer to both: making daily use of meetup.com and focusing on my job hunt. Neither of these are aimed at pleasing my wife, although (as described) I expect that getting a job could make it possible for her to see the possibilities. Could-- not will. Although I have yet to meet people whom I might think will become my friends, every time I go out I am reminded that there is (so much) more to life than her.
I think that the main thing that I am doing to please her is not overtly rebuffing or avoiding her. This weakens 180, but makes it easier to stall, because it doesn't provoke conversations about R or D.
I will "forget" that we had the not-a-boundary conversation. It's already set to be broken anyway (she said she is going out on Friday night, knowing full well that I have no plans myself). As that happens, I will simply allow myself to withdraw-- not as a "consequence" for her to be disappointed by, but for my own sanity. I realized last night that she probably won't even notice. Before, she noticed that I wasn't talking to her because I was being overtly dodgy. Last night, I saw that when she asked me about what I was up to, she stopped listening within a sentence or two (and even wandered away). I can be short, because as long as I am not evasive, she will not challenge and demand. (And even if she does, I now have a default explanation.)
