Confused 2

[cat04]

I am prepared for the consequences. I was prepared a few days ago. I sat down and figured out how I would live and about how all this would affect my family. I have been thinking of nothing else through all this mess. I have been posting what my wife has been doing as a result of my enforced boundary because I was checking to see if this is normal. I am also venting. I get concerned when my wife talks about health issues that are going on. I am bad about second guessing myself. Maybe some insecurity issues. I have also dealt with hurts and insults from wife. But I still love her. She does not mean the things she has said. We all have things to work on. No one is perfect.

Ok you want some input…

Above you stated that you were told your W does not mean the things she has said. While it is true that we should only believe half of what they say, we have to listen to what they say, weigh it, and then decide what may or may not be true. Because there is always some truth in what people say. Because it is their reality. It may not be ours, but it is theirs. And how she feels and perceives things may be very different from how you feel or perceive things but that doesn’t make either one of you wrong.

No. I think I had a meltdown because I read a post that maybe made me a little defensive. My fault! I think I was misunderstood. I was not doing anything to get attention from WW by getting my own cell plan. I wanted it for myself. When wife freaked out about it I expressed to her that I was protecting myself and wanted something for myself( like she wants her own room). When I posted the comments wife was making, I was just sharing. Seeing if it was normal the way she was acting. I did get defensive about the emotional abuse accusation. My mistake! But I can see cat's point on that.

There is nothing wrong with the things that you want for yourself. Ie, cell phone etc…

Defensiveness is usually a reaction that happens when someone comes close to something we don’t want to look at…

I also think the reason I got frustrated today on here is because everyone is telling that as I enforce my boundary that my wife may act out or "spew" and I should not take it personal. It is her being angry at my changes. I wasn't taking anything she said as personal until it was brought up that I am a emotionally abusive person. I did not respond to what she said, I did remember it and actually thought to myself that I need to think about what I have done that would make her feel this way.

All of this is true to a degree. You stated a boundary. Your W was not going to go quietly into the good night and live with it. She was/is gonna spew and say things. And you can’t take them personally however you can’t simply dismiss them either, which is what I saw you being told about all of it.

You can’t dismiss that your W says she felt emotionally abused. You can dismiss that she says you are doing something wrong by getting your own cell phone plan.

I know it is hard to grasp all of this stuff at once but it is very important.

Your reaction to me because I decided to state my opinion (defensive, angry, with your own sort of spew) made me wonder if that is how you react or have reacted to your W in the past.

As far as the boundary, you told Sandi that your W has not changed anything. So what is the next step?

Joe, yes she is doing some crappy stuff. However you have to step back a bit and stop looking at her behaviors and start looking at your own. That is what DB is about.

You are not going to “talk” her into coming back by stating boundaries, by doing the same ol’ same ol’ a little more quietly. You have to actually make changes within yourself and live those changes. She needs time to see them, test them (yes she will try to make you act like you did in the past) and then if she decides you really are different, then she will make her decisions…

I mentioned looking at the ways you try to control things as a first step towards change…