If you mean, does what I did(boundary) change anything my wife is doing, no. She is still in her office last night and will be tonight. The blankets are still covering the cracks. I did not expect her to drop it and say " oh honey, I am so sorry. I am done with this job". I did what I did 100% for myself and I felt so good about it that I was not freaking out everytime my wife freaked out the past 2 days.
No, I was not talking about your boundary. Gee, do I communicate that poorly? My entire post was centered around the idea of a bad M with any type of abuse does not give the W a right to be wayward!
Quote:
I have not denied I have things to work on. But just because I am not happy with my wife right now, doesn't give me the right to seek love elsewhere. My wife has done alot of damage to us financially because of her lies and lack of communication. I have stuck it out even though I have been extremely stressed over it. If I felt our marriage was so terrible, I would file for divorce before finding someone new. It is something I believe in. Two wrongs don't make a right.
I had to read this a couple of times to decide if you had taken what I said the wrong way. Your quote above is true, and aligns with my last post. I just wanted you to understand that being less than a perfect H, or a terrible H, does not excuse what your W is doing now.
If you understand, then let's change the subject.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am prepared for the consequences. I was prepared a few days ago. I sat down and figured out how I would live and about how all this would affect my family. I have been thinking of nothing else through all this mess. I have been posting what my wife has been doing as a result of my enforced boundary because I was checking to see if this is normal. I am also venting. I get concerned when my wife talks about health issues that are going on. I am bad about second guessing myself. Maybe some insecurity issues. I have also dealt with hurts and insults from wife. But I still love her. She does not mean the things she has said. We all have things to work on. No one is perfect.
Ok you want some input…
Above you stated that you were told your W does not mean the things she has said. While it is true that we should only believe half of what they say, we have to listen to what they say, weigh it, and then decide what may or may not be true. Because there is always some truth in what people say. Because it is their reality. It may not be ours, but it is theirs. And how she feels and perceives things may be very different from how you feel or perceive things but that doesn’t make either one of you wrong.
Originally Posted By: Joe
No. I think I had a meltdown because I read a post that maybe made me a little defensive. My fault! I think I was misunderstood. I was not doing anything to get attention from WW by getting my own cell plan. I wanted it for myself. When wife freaked out about it I expressed to her that I was protecting myself and wanted something for myself( like she wants her own room). When I posted the comments wife was making, I was just sharing. Seeing if it was normal the way she was acting. I did get defensive about the emotional abuse accusation. My mistake! But I can see cat's point on that.
There is nothing wrong with the things that you want for yourself. Ie, cell phone etc…
Defensiveness is usually a reaction that happens when someone comes close to something we don’t want to look at…
Originally Posted By: Joe
I also think the reason I got frustrated today on here is because everyone is telling that as I enforce my boundary that my wife may act out or "spew" and I should not take it personal. It is her being angry at my changes. I wasn't taking anything she said as personal until it was brought up that I am a emotionally abusive person. I did not respond to what she said, I did remember it and actually thought to myself that I need to think about what I have done that would make her feel this way.
All of this is true to a degree. You stated a boundary. Your W was not going to go quietly into the good night and live with it. She was/is gonna spew and say things. And you can’t take them personally however you can’t simply dismiss them either, which is what I saw you being told about all of it.
You can’t dismiss that your W says she felt emotionally abused. You can dismiss that she says you are doing something wrong by getting your own cell phone plan.
I know it is hard to grasp all of this stuff at once but it is very important.
Your reaction to me because I decided to state my opinion (defensive, angry, with your own sort of spew) made me wonder if that is how you react or have reacted to your W in the past.
As far as the boundary, you told Sandi that your W has not changed anything. So what is the next step?
Joe, yes she is doing some crappy stuff. However you have to step back a bit and stop looking at her behaviors and start looking at your own. That is what DB is about.
You are not going to “talk” her into coming back by stating boundaries, by doing the same ol’ same ol’ a little more quietly. You have to actually make changes within yourself and live those changes. She needs time to see them, test them (yes she will try to make you act like you did in the past) and then if she decides you really are different, then she will make her decisions…
I mentioned looking at the ways you try to control things as a first step towards change…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thank you cat. I can see your point. I have already been tested this morning. My wife went off on me in a text for allowing the kids to stay up to late last night. It actually was the same time they always go to bed, but D decided to stay up later and now is to tired for school. I validated her point. And she was right in what she said. Even though D stayed up on her own, I am the parent and need to do a better job with this. In the past I would have argued with wife, and become defensive. But I agreed with her and acknowledged my mistake. I really do appreciate your input cat. This is the stuff I struggle with.
The cell phone thing was really for myself. I was tired of never being able to log on to our account because wife was changing password all the time and not giving me the correct one. I feel good having my own. I also did it to protect myself. I use my phone for work alot. She acted like she did not want to be in the marriage anymore and I think she is talking to someone else. I did it for me. Her reaction was all her's.
As far as her job is concerned, I am just going with the flow. I am going to keep doing my thing and pray that she makes a decision sometime. My younger children finding out is one of my fears. The other is the danger in this work. She claims the company is very protected from hackers. But there is always that chance. To me my families safety is not worth taking that chance. There has already been all kinds of stealing going on from employees, one was a manager and stole thousands. My wife sometimes doesn't think about what could happen. Thank you for your insight cat. I will be asking for more advice as I go in this journey. I think you would be proud of me and how I handled things this morning
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
No, I was not talking about your boundary. Gee, do I communicate that poorly? My entire post was centered around the idea of a bad M with any type of abuse does not give the W a right to be wayward!
