Things got violent last night. I just can't believe it.
When I got home, H hadn't picked up any of the platters or food we'd ordered and people were on the way. I just set my things down and headed out the door for the store. He mumbled something about how he was going to wait for one of our guests to get there to help him run the errand - earlier in the day, it was something he could commit to, driving down the street. Whatever. I got back home and there was a small group already there. We had a nice time, and drank a bunch of beer. But we were NOT drunk when people left. I got ready for bed, and asked him what was up with the food run? He got completely defensive started backpedaling, and I said ok, for future reference, it is not OK to assume that our guests are to help us set up for this stuff. And that's not what you told me. I didn't let it go.
He stood up and used the back of his arm to send several bowls flying in my direction. They shattered, went all over. He went into the bedroom. I followed him after a few minutes and told him he needed to clean up the mess. The entire time he was snarling at me and I kept repeating how there was salsa soaking into our floor and he needed to take care of that and all the broken pottery. He got a broom, I was standing in the kitchen, and he comes over and starts screaming at me to help. I was pretty calm, and said no. That was your mess, your violence, you clean it up. He ripped my phone out of my hands, and threw it on the floor so hard it popped out of the lifeproof case and the phone is now bent and shattered.
What is so weird is how calm I was. My H is about the size of an NBA player, and he was standing there just vibrating with rage, fists clench on either side of my head. He finally just turned around and walked out of the room. I packed a few things and left for my aunts without saying anything.
Later that night my mom said he texted her and said we'd gotten into a big fight, he didn't know where I was. She let him know. I haven't gotten an email or anything from him.
I just can't believe it. This doesn't seem like somehting that should be allowed to blow over. We crossed this bridge once several years ago when he threw a laundry basket my way. I explained the abusive household I grew up in, the bullying, the intimidation, and how it was a deal breaker for me. It was never a problem again.
What do I do? I don't even want to see him. I know how this is going to go. He's going to give me a load about his feelings, his needs, what I should have done differently. Fine, I was being a PITA about food, like who does this? Why did you try to make this my problem or anyone else's problem?
How big of a deal is this? I am thinking of leaving, having a nice calm conversation about going our separate ways.
1. H continues to be a tempermental child unable to 'handle' much of anything - whether it be stress, expectations, responsibility...I feel like I'm in yet another relationship where someone else's needs are bigger than mine and something I have to constantly step around.
2. God help me, but depression just looks like a label for his willful laziness.I think it is real to him, and truly a dilemma. I see him making small strides every day...but it's pretty hard to just accept.
3. He's provided for our retirement, but meanwhile shows no symptoms of wanting to work. Everything is on my shoulders. I am fearful it's all going to disappear and then we have nothing for his future medical costs either.
4. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. It doesn't feel good.
5. There's the kid thing. If I leave, I might as well give up on that, but I don't want to raise a family with someone that is this ill and unproductive.
6. I believe my H is a good man and wants to be a better man. I don't think he wants to be this person. I just don't know if I can hang in there while he continues to call me a miserable human being and other names and blames me for all of his feelings.
Help, what do I do? Can i just not do anything for a time?
If he apologizes and wants to see a counselor is it realistic to believe this won't happen again? I mean, he just agreed to stop threatening to leave me when he was upset. Now this. What is going on here?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
