Part 16 - edz, just edz

[edz]

Thanks RD

Yes, exactly that.

If you'll indulge some waffling to get it out..

W told me it was over, she left me. Thats a pretty decisive statement. I worked on myself and rebuild r with son. That in itself has upset w as she now has to share. While I was in conflict with s and not having a healthy parenting relationship she had him all the time and said she wanted he and i to have a healthy relationship.

Now its clear she hates the feeling of loss that she has to share him while at the same time she knows its better for him. I've changed physically and, thanks to counselling, my issues with s are gone, the internal anger at myself has gone and i'm calmer. I'm prepared to not "need" her like I did even if we reconciled and I think thats evident as well.

W has her own issues which as Ive said I cant go into - they are not OP related. She wants to H.E. s 100% of the time but is nearly out of money and her old job is playing silly devils on getting rid of her over her health which is causing her issues too.

All of this is conflicting and I'm trying to be understanding and respectful of her space - indeed sometimes probably a little too much so (I wont touch or go near cabinets, cupboards etc when in the flat unless specifically asked to help, wont enter unless invited, dont assume any kind of access to anything).

So when I have the kind of communications that came up some weeks back I want to talk to her as she says she does to me. I'm an emotionally open sort, curtailing that does me no good and is a major reason for the problems I faced with depression over the past 5 years leading to a lot of our m problems. So apparent (as I dont say they are but they seem to be) mind games such as non responsiveness and saying she's desperate to talk then saying s is the reason she cant (doesnt want him listening in) hurts me as its clearly nonsense and could be fixed by a call to her friends from her asking can s stay over for a night.

So if w says we're done why am I like this?

Because I want to be sure, absolutely sure, positively sure, I did all I could before letting her completely go and moving on. No i'm not going to rush into something new, right now Im not sure anyone will even want me again (this is my depressive instincts talking - I know that) I feel unwanted and unloved except for s and I'm trying so hard not to drag him into any of this as he's the one success in all of this.

I also know if I let go, if I move on and if someone new does appear thats it. I dont do half measures in relationships and w would have to go into the past for my sanity. Yes we'd see each other but I can't do friends I've been clear since last year it's not and unlikely to ever be an option, friendLY coparenting is the best I can offer.

W and I used to joke years back that the worst thing you could do to either of us would be leave an unsolved puzzle in front of them and chain them up so they couldnt fix it. Thats exactly how I feel right now. At work, GAL, anywhere right now I feel utterly alone even sitting in front of and talking to people.

It's just horrible at the moment, I'm hoping its because there's a pregnant pause in everything and something will happen soon even if its just talk. I want that to be the start of a road (however long it may take) toward reconciliation but this dangling hope is the problem right now. W knows she's doing it, she said when we had the door keys incident a few weeks ago that shes not ruling anything in or out and needs time and isnt trying to stall for anything, I can live with giving her that but not this being deperate to talk then pushing and going silent.

Right now I'm trying to practice detachment (which is coming back today but has been slipping a little) and warm contact which are tricky to balance. MD is always a pressure point for me as well which hasnt helped.

We shall see how the week goes.

Thanks