Trying Again

[topgunmb]

Here I am again, thought I stop by for my 6 month check in...ok, maybe 5 month. Sadly, nothing has changed regarding W. This May will make 2 years since BD, July will make 2 years since she moved out. To be honest, I'm starting to lose hope. I'm lonely and it feels like I'll feel that way forever. I just had a reminder of that this past Wednesday.

W texted me Tuesday night after her usual Tuesday visit to see the kids. Said she wanted to meet me during my lunch at work to talk about some things. I have to admit, I went into panic mode. Since she has left, she has never asked me to join her for lunch to talk about things. I wish I could say that I had immediate positive thoughts, but instead, went to the dark side. Not much has happened since my last post to make me think it could be anything good. She graduated from her culinary school, took the kids the morning of, and I found out through them as I was picking them up that they had attended her graduation. Christmas time, she flew back to see her family while I took the kids to my parents. Got her a Christmas gift in which she told me that she couldn't accept it.

So, you can imagine, I was expecting the worse when she asked if she could talk to me about some things. It turned out that the talk wasn't that bad. Mostly it was about the kids and that she wanted to see them more. That's great because they do miss her and her Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday visits in the evening aren't really enough. Her plan, however, was that we should all move to a location that was closer to each other. On top of that, she wants me to help her pay for a 2 bedroom apartment because she's not making enough money to afford a place where she can have the kids come stay. Right now, she's renting a room at a house that's over an hour away.

I was a little caught off guard, but rather than react emotionally, I just nodded and said that I would have to see if my budget could support something like that. Her moving out really caused a lot of problems financially for me. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking this, but I don't really feel obligated to help her financially, even if we are still legally married. She left and since then, only really plays nice with me when she's in trouble and honestly, I'm feeling a little like I'm being used.

Above all that, it just feels like if I were to help her pay for a separate place, I'd be telling her that what she has done and what she is doing to our family is OK. Am I harsh in feeling that if she really wants to be a part of the kids' lives so badly that she shouldn't move closer to us, rather than asking us to uproot to be closer to her and still be living in different households? I mean, if she had said let's get a place together, but just not where you are living now, sure. But to have two completely separate places to live and be close just so it's convenient for her seems unfair to me. Plus, I know that even if I were to do this for her, it wouldn't make a difference in how she feels about me.

At the end of it, it just made me sad. Sad that nothing much has really changed in the way that she feels toward me. The only good thing is that she now wants to see her children more, but at the same time, it has to be on her terms. She can't be inconvenienced by it otherwise she won't be there. I've taken this time to work on myself. I've become more positive than what I was almost 2 years ago, I got a promotion and pay increase, I 3D modeled something that I've been wanting to for years and that model ended up being used for a book cover. I'm not quite where I would like to be physically, but I am working toward it. There are still plenty of things to work on and I've focused less and less on her as time has gone forward. But, all that said, it makes me sad to know not much has changed with her.

Anyway, sorry for the long rant. I needed to get that out as it has been stewing inside since Wednesday. I'd love for anyone's thoughts, questions, or general advice.