Of course, I haven't resolved the question and don't face this dilemma immediately as my W is far from showing signs she wants to reconcile. I'll continue my thinking about it and welcome very much the experience of others who have to cope with serial cheaters.
Mozza,
For me, W told me when I confronted about OM that there was "other" things that happened over our R. When she finally told me, she said she kissed or tried to kiss 4 different men over the period of our R (15 years.) Now, she didn't have to tell me that at the time, because I definitely had no clue (well she did tell me one of them after it happened like 13 years ago, they were both drunk.)
Does that make her a serial cheater? IDK and she may have been using it to bolster her idea that now I knew about OM, this would help drive me further away. However, I did see this in her personality and maybe your W is the same way. I look back and now I see W always seemed to be 'missing' something. It manifested itself in a bunch of different ways, but she just never could be satisfied with just being her. There was always the 'next thing' that she needed. I was okay with that, because we were building our lives together (college, job, house, kids) but now we were at the point were life kind of was put on hold because of the kids. Its almost like W got 'antsy' because things were settled and we were in a groove, or so I thought. I think that symptom of always looking for something is similar to cheating, and 25years said it a while ago. There's something within 'them' that is missing and not just in the marriage. Since they are not satisfied with themselves, being happy with yourself is not attainable. Then the pursuit of happiness is in other people and situations. Its one of the things that I think DB tries to prevent in us as LBH. Our happiness is not in being in a R with our W, but in who we are. I tell people a lot, I'm happy with my life with the exception of the big issue with my W. I truly look at everyday and at some point realize how lucky I am. I tried to talk to W about that casually at some point and she just didn't seem to understand it at all. I think she thought I was not being genuine.
A lot of people say that 'a cheater never changes' however, I think that as long as the cheater identifies, resolves and continues to resolve the issue that lead to cheating, it probably won't happen again. If they are stopping the cheating because of convenience, than I think the behavior comes back.
My W has always had a vein of selfishness in her, between that and not being comfortable with herself are the two things that I've identified that she needs to change pretty substantially for us to R.
Just my thoughts
Last edited by MCS; 03/16/1504:49 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
