I thought everything was okay....(Part 4)

[Mozza]

Oh, one more thing. I think its weird that a lot of people, LBH in particular, are trying to flirt or get attention of women. Im not sure if thats good or bad...i find myself wanting that lately too..just like ANY WOMAN...FLIRT WITH ME, MAKE ME FEEL WANTED...but then I realize...youre not my W..and I go sob in the truck =( What do you think...should we even be entertaining the idea of flirting? Even if its just for fun? Isn't that how it all starts??? idk MCS...i really don't know.

I'm in the crowd of LBH who are experimenting with flirting and have even been advocating it on other sitches. It came from my IC who's observing that I hang on to a person who has unequivocally withdrawn her love from me to give it to someone else. Why is it that I find all sorts of excuses to say that I'll go back to her, that I need to be faithful to her? He's making me think about my hidden reasons and one of them is a fear of women, of rejection. I need to test whether I want to reconcile with my WAW because I lack confidence with other women or only because I truly love her.

The fact is that even if I'm advocating it, I've been very bad at flirting and haven't done it in weeks. I just spent a week-end single without any flirting. I realize that I avoid situations where it might happen because I'm afraid. I just don't know what to say or do. This, to me, is something important to think about amongst the reasons why I want to reconcile. NMMNG is another inspiration, reminding us that we live in a world of abundance, while Nice Guys perceive it as a world of shortages.

TLEE86, I think this may apply to you especially as you find your WAW so attractive and probably doubt that you'll ever do as well, so you shouldn't let her go. This is your insecurities, not true love. Realize that beyond her beauty and inner glow, she's also the person who's giving you all this pain and it should count in your assessment of her as a life partner. Don't think of flirting as a way to find validation, but as a way to get some perspective on your true motivations and feelings.

I'll be blunt: another reason why I flirt is that I hardly see myself going back with WAW without having had my fun too (yes, sex). WAW left with another man and a few weeks or months later, moved in with him. Pardon me if I'm crude, but I just know that they had intense and amazing sex for months, like any new, loving relationships do. I can't bear the thought of her coming back and me having waited on the side like a good boy while she had a romantic/sex vacation. Look around at the anger of LBH at the unfairness of their sitches (Maybell, Foolish): it is a very powerful and destructive feeling. Remaining faithful during this period will keep my resentment too high for a long lasting reconciliation. That's my theory. In 2009 when she cheated on my (slept twice with a colleague), she offered me to have a "pass" and I turned it down because I didn't want it and I didn't want to threaten our relationship with unexpected reactions. So it's not like I crave to sleep with other women, but the circumstances are what they are.

Finally, there's no shame in acknowledging that we enjoy and need sex. I was ML 1-2 times a week up until BD and now it's been nothing for six month. Sex is not just a fun thing, like bowling, it's a very strong human drive. In polite society, we all pretend it's a little fun on the side and we don't really mind having it or not, but the fact is that it's a drive that we ignore at our own risks. I know it's disruptive in my life in a way that sex hasn't been in some 12-15 years.