Moved too fast? Now what?

[PatientMan]

PM, thank you so much for the reply. Please help me understand more clearly. I am lost and I need to change my approach. I want to live honestly and do the right thing. Those words sound so refreshing in the midst of all I am going through if that makes sense.

When I create my list, is this in the context of my marriage, my career, my kids, spirituality, morals, or all of the above? What is the scope of this introspection? I want to do it, I really do. My actions have followed my emotions up and down for the past 6 weeks. I don't want to do that anymore.

So say in practical terms, if one of my boundaries is that I cannot participate in an open marriage, how would I do the right thing with respect to that boundary being steamrolled everyday?

*I* would (and did) create a list that included everything I needed to think about. I wanted to ensure every facet of my entire life was accounted for, but it all fit neatly on a small sheet of paper that I folded up in my billfold. (It's funny how important life lessons, skills, and perspectives are applicable to all areas.)

I would not be a part of an open marriage. That is not to say I would immediately have divorce papers drawn up, but I would not be willing to engage with a W at any level who is actively in another relationship. I would not respond to any communication that was not about my children.

But that is me, and that is, if I recall correctly, actually counter to a lot of "win your spouse back" advice. So you have to find your own bearings and your own barometer. I know mine, and I won't let anyone's advice let me compromise my core values.

So the answer to that question really has to come from you. Really think about what your boundaries are and how you would enforce them according to however you derive your value system. Be certain those come from YOU, then stand firm in your convictions no matter what your feelings are telling you at any given time.

These are some of the beautiful consequences of an authentic introspective look such as this. You find out who you really are and you master the art of self-discipline. This is what I would call "true manliness" that has been chased out of our culture, but that is an aside.

-PM