I thought everything was okay....(Part 4)

[MCS]

Hey MCS, sorry its been a while since Ive checked in- lots of stuff on my mind so I apologize for being selfish. Sounds like both of our sitch's kinda suck right now but I am glad you are getting stronger.

No problem, I actually think its good to ebb and flow on the boards here, I've had my share over the last couple weeks of laying low. Sometimes, we all need to just let the sitch stew for a little in our minds.

Quite honestly Im not sure if you telling W that she needs to get better was the best thing for you to say. It sounds...accusational? Idk if thats the right word, but something like oh I'm doing fine, YOU need to get better. Maybe something like "Hey W, Im concerned for you because you don't look healthy and I am worried about it." Is that too soft? Reason I say that is because my W as you know is also very unhealthy, losing 30+lbs, etc etc. So I usually just say hey I am worried about you, makes it sound more...caring?

Yeah, it probably did sound that way. Here's the thing (enter 'controlling, mind reading mode') W has always avoided emotionally difficult topics (shocker.) I look back at our R (15 years of it) and I see that I took the lead in addressing these things. Its a BIG part of how we got here and why I was so blindsided. So, realizing this, I've tried mightily to let her do her thing, especially in the hopes that our M would get R'd. Last week though, she showed the extreme pain and confusion that she's going through. At that point, when I indirectly asked her about whom's she's sharing it with I saw that's she's keeping it all inside still and 6 month's later still hiding behind her lies which seem to be destroying her (another past trait that I see surfacing)

Anyway I hate to sound this way, but it 'feels' like even after 6 months of her leaving, I'm still the closest person to her emotionally. That's scary, but also I think the reason she doesn't want to be around me. She wants to tuck this all away. That's her prerogative, except when it comes to the kids. I would be lying if I said that I don't worry about the kids when their with her. It got better for a while, but I see the same things from earlier on in the sitch starting to pop back up.

So, I agree it was a little direct from me and it may make her rebel more. When she looked at me, and especially fired right back "IC said I'm just fine," I know she knows what I'm talking about. However, our sitch in a weird place of me taking the lead again

This is the same as when I confronted about OM and instead of me getting peeved; gave her the steps to get out of it. She started to, my W started to emerge and then something happened (addiction kicked back in?!?) that made her shut down again.

None of this is good for the sitch, but I'm worried about her. I need to let go, but part of me is wondering why my heart is not going cold to her, no matter how hard she tries. I wrote on your thread about 'faith' and its interesting, right now I 'feel' like I'm just where I need to be give all of the stuff going on around me. I wish I could see the outcome, but I guess I've hit a balance of pain and compassion. There has to be a reason that I'm still in it. I just don't know why...

Don't mind her threats. We both know that this is what they do. When they're cornered or feel scared, they threaten us. It'll pass.

Yeah, I've let most of them roll off me, but her latest are questioning my core character and those are hard to take and not get defensive and/or angry.