Maybell XXXII

[Maybell]

I'm ok when he's not around. It's when I have to interact with him, like yesterday, that I struggle so hard. Not because I want him back but because I am so disgusted with him.

Zues, I've been thinking about your murder analogy. I agree with some of what you said -- about being forever marked by this experience and wanting the loss to be validated. In my case, however, I DO feel I've been validated. And that the closer I look at my marriage the more signs I see that he was never as committed as I was. He liked the status of Family Man a lot more than the life. He wasn't murdered by an alien so much as revealed for his true self ("Who is Kaiser Sozé?")

We had a super busy weekend and by the time things shut down this afternoon the kids were SPENT. They started down the tantrum road but I stopped us all, held a quick family meeting, and showed them the light at the end of the tunnel. S9 had the hardest time because he lost a privilege that was very important to him. I was proud that I enforced my boundary with him, and then when it was done he and I had a talk about how to communicate effectively. I would not have had the knowledge necessary to teach that lesson if we hadn't lost my husband. That's a pretty enormous silver lining.

I am in recovery from parenting from a place of fear. I don't feel that fear with my kids so much anymore. It makes a big difference in how quickly these little crises get settled. I hope that some day I feel that peace and strength in my heart that I will find a strong loving partner for myself some day. I look forward to exploring that when I have moved through this experience. I feel less impatience and more hope than I've done in a very long time. But I still worry that a great marriage like that might not be in my future.

Patience, patience, faith and baby steps.