Complex No. 6 - The turtle and the rabbit

[25yearsmlc]

She also told me again how sorry she is. That she loves me and cares for me but just not that way and everything was wrong from the beginning.
She wants to help me to find a place, even pay me alimony.
I didn't respond to her "offerings".
I set my boundaries well but it's just so damn frustrating.


I know all this^^^ hurts. I'm sorry for your pain.

Still, I hope you can see that in HER WAY, she seems to be trying to be in "damage control" mode now. NOT B/c she feels shame, but b/c she feels sympathy for you. MOST WAS's DO NOT.


Maybe you should join her in the Damage Control mode...?


Mostly I hope you will Stop taking every single thing she says, in the worst possible light.

I think she is sincere and I don't see any upside to you negating that. I think you are making it worse for yourself and certainly for her. Maybe obstructing her is your goal but I really don't see the benefit to it, (for YOU, let alone her).


Trigger today was probably I walked into the kitchen this morning with underwear. Lol. Since we are no couple I cannot do this she said.

I'm just sooo mad again. It's so ridiculous. It's nothing but a character question,


IMO,< THIS^^^ is where you repeat your mistake & stay stuck...you condemn her and get yourself all worked up again,

even when she makes offers to your benefit, that almost no other Walkaway wife would...

Plus you end up sounding judgemental and you gloss over your part in this, again.

My question for you is, HOW does condemning and judging her, help you?



a question of what a commitment means. The best thing is that she believes I will understand "one day". Really?
How deep does she has to fall to understand herself one day?

I still understand her position tho. How can she believe in it already after all that happened.

Read your words^^^ again Complex...IF You really do understand her position -- then stop the talking and DO the walking.

That ^^ is a phrase Americans use that says, basically, "action speaks louder than words".

Tell us, What has SHE SEEN from you that is different - and for how long? A week or a month? And what was it that was so new for you?

Compared with how long she saw the "not so busy" Complex, you must admit it will take her time to believe in any changes you may be making.

I read somewhere that for every year of "unwanted behavior", it takes at least a month of new changes for a spouse to SEE the change, plus more time for them to believe it's real OR lasting...

From what you write here, I don't think any of your changes have been consistent for a single month. Sorry Complex, I know that's hard to hear, but it's true. She really hasn't got a solid reason to believe you are different and that you can or will meet her needs in the long run.

You harp on her character (repeatedly) but evidently even you think she's being honest about OM and that she is doing what you SAY you would expect i.e. that if she wants to date OM she should divorce you first. Well, that's what she is doing, correct?

As painful and gut wrenching as that must be, it is NOT a reason for you to malign her more. It's just the opposite.

You can't determine that she must be a bad person b/c she does not want to be married to you WHILE you admit you did not live up to your promises or her expectations

and you admit on some days, that you did not live up to Your own expectations either.

I suggest you focus on making changes for yourself, while knowing that it's the only possible way to get thru to her anyhow. No more about how bad & wrong she is.

That^^ helps no one, including you.

She's not in my head either. She admitted she basically dumped our M in like 3 months. But she KNOWS it's not the right thing so she wants to move on quickly before everything gets worse.

Do you see how you make yourself feel worse this way? You besmirch her but you don't benefit. If you want to feel better about yourself, you need NOT tear her down; just "up" yourself and feel good about what you are creating and doing.

Make sense?

I almost sent her this text, I didn't tho:
I hope you understand that I gave my personal position an awful lot of thought too. I don't want a superficial relationship either. I want a deep one too, one of the next level. I wasn't ready for that in the past. Now I am.


It's hard to be honest about this now, so I admire your candor. But you need to take a look at your admission. You were NOT in a deep loving marriage or one that connected at a level SHE needed...

"now" you feel you are ready for it. You have been married a few years and in those years, evidently, she felt lonely on a deep & spiritual level. The marriage was a shallow one for her and now, even you can see that.

Have you truly reflected on this?

I am absolutely convinced we can build it and I value my vows. BUT by no means I'll pursue or force you to do anything anymore. You are you. Never would I ever want to change that ever again! You are a free human being. But so am I.

Not sure what the goal of ^^^ this is. No offense Complex, but you are mostly stating the obvious. ---

Are you just restating that you "value" your vows to make the point that she must not?

I can't say if that is even true, but I can say that it won't help for you to suggest it.

What do you really want her to know, now? What is it you want to say to her?

Figure that^^ out, and be able to say it concisely. Let us know, too.

But again, it's NOT words she needs from you. It is new/different behavior.

Otherwise, she has No reason to believe that marriage to you now, would be any better or different than before.

And before, was NOT enough for her so she wanted out (AND you now admit it was not a deep marriage for you either.)

So you both want a deeper marriage now. She does not believe you are capable of that with her.

So what are you DOING (not just saying) that would show her - you/marriage can be deeper?

Because no one returns to marriage they left,

unless

they believe it can be better/different than before.